Matters Of The Heart: It’s Not Your Place To Chase

Matters of the Heart 101 for my sisters: It is not Your place to chase. Let God Lead.

Chasing is not a good look.

When we chase someone who 1) Doesn’t want to be caught; 2) Is not really the right one for us and 3) who is not proactively in pursuit of us, we place our hearts in a very vulnerable position.

Let’s define chase: To pursue in order to catch or catch up with; an act of pursuing someone or something; to hunt

As Daughters of God, we are to never, ever place ourselves or even appear to be in a position of chasing a man. Neither are we to be in the mode or style of being desperate for love and a relationship. There is a clear distinction between being open and friendly versus altogether driving the relationship, making thing happen, doing all the planning, manipulating and controlling through subtle and not so subtle chasing.

Gary Thomas in his book, The Sacred Search states, “You are already perfectly loved [by God] and looking for someone who can help you grow in and share that love – that is security. Christians should NEVER be defined by the word desperate. We are well loved, well cared for adored by the one who knows us best and secure in his acceptance, love affirmation and purpose.”

If you are not feeling accepted in God’s love, affirmation and purpose, you will try to seek it by chasing for love in a relationship.

Anytime you find yourself sweating over text messages, blowing up his phone with a bunch of messages, pining away waiting hours for the next text, DM, inbox, phone call, snap chat (whatever new hot technology you are using), it is evidence that you are not in a state of rest and allowing, but rather in a state of anxiety and worry.

Chasing shows up in many ways from being very needy for validation, to be seen, to be noticed and to feel wanted from opposite sex. Often chasing and attention seeking creates confusion. Sometimes as women we tend to confuse attention with love. Just because someone gives you attention (as a result of your pursuit, chasing or subtle manipulations) doesn’t mean that it is love.

Chasing is also very prevalent in social media with pictures, and so forth. How many sisters are out there posting pictures for a certain, particular individual to notice them and “like” or “love” their picture? How many countless selfies are posted daily in the hopes of getting some type of validation or attention from certain people? We must be careful as this presents a certain image and a certain style. What are we projecting when we are showing up as needing attention and chasing? How does this impact your image as a woman of God?

Chasing also looks like proving and performing for love by doing things to prove that you are good wife material. It can come across as a striving style or spirit where you are doing things out of motivation to be married or to be chosen out of neediness to be good enough instead of from the heart.

For your relationships to flow, it is very critical that we learn to walk in the anointing of ease. This means allowing things to unfold naturally in the course of time. This involves enjoying your life, resting in God and allowing him to lead the process. It is an opportunity to practice utilizing wisdom and observation by the Spirit of God instead of allowing your emotions and feelings to lead the way.

When we start chasing a man for love, it is evidence that we have already mismanaged our emotions and let our feelings get ahead of ourselves.

As women, we often allow our romantic, emotional notions to take control before we really engage our minds and logical thinking. By allowing things to flow naturally, we exercise greater emotional mastery which gives us a better position to make a wise choice.

Let go of any attention seeking, chasing behaviors that could place your heart and your body in a vulnerable and compromising position. Learn to rest authentically in who you are as a woman without seeking attention and love for the wrong reasons.

Remember first of all that you are the prize. Always.

Remember that you are deeply cared for and loved. Always.

Remember that You Are The One. Always

Let Love Lead. Always!

If you start chasing, then prepare to bear the responsibility of leading and chasing the whole time. Start out like you plan to hold out. Register today for the Let Him Lead Free Webinar with Dr. Rita ! bit.ly/lethimlead

#OrdainedAndSustained #NoChasing #relationships #love #relationshipgoals #godlydating #reallove #maturelove #WorthTheWait #LetHimLead

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Are You In Love, In Need or In Lust? #LetHimLead #LoveNotLust #WhenYouLetGodPickEm

God is Love. Let Him Lead Your Relationships #LetHimLead #LoveNotLust #WhenYouLetGodPickEm

(be sure to go to periscope.tv/getrealbehealed to watch video on this teaching)

That time of year again….

  • Hearts & Cupids
  • Roses & Chocolates
  • Restaurants are advertising romantic course dinners for two
  • Store shelves stocked with flowers, cards and candy for kiddie classroom valentines.
  • Lingerie sales go up.
  • Facebook relationship status changes.
  • The List goes on…

It creates a longing and a sense of something being missing for singles and for those who are coupled up, it can bring joy or it can bring despair depending on what’s going on. Valentines day is a mixed bag!

It is supposed to be about real love, but the question begs to be asked what is real love? Glad you asked, but for starters let’s talk about what love is not:

#1. Love is not Infatuation. The Emotional Impulse of Love UNTESTED by TIME OR CIRCUMSTANCE.

It is also known in psychological terms as a form of mania right along with Bi-polar, borderline and other mental disorders. Why? Most individuals experience the mania of infatuation as part of the first step in dating and sexual attraction. According to George Morelli, For some, however, infatuation becomes the dominant emotion controlling their lives. Mania, as with all emotional dysfunction, can result in behavioral, interpersonal, social and spiritual damage.

The mania known as infatuation is the noun derived from the verb to infatuate, which means:

  • to cause to be foolish
  • to be deprived of sound judgment
  • to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration

The word infatuate originates from the Latin word infatuatus, the past participle of infatuare, from in- and fatuus. Fatuus means foolish, idiotic or silly. Same as infant or infantile – immature, young.

Symptoms of infatuation include: Persistent thoughts about person all the time, day night, fixated. Fantasy like thoughts, anxious ruminations, emotional turbulence, up and down, fretting about relationship, glossing over negative traits, huge expenditure of emotion that could be wasted if not reciprocated, blinds to reality, on a pedestal, shadow of love.

From my personal perspective, I believe God created infatuation as a way for people to be attracted to each and to come together. However, I also believe that he does not intend for us to live like this or hop from one relationship to the next looking for the next euphoric, romantic high. I believe that all realtionships will pass thru a degree of infatuation but depending on how grounded and mature the two people involved are, will be the degree and extent of how long it lasts and whether or not they have the capacity to be objective and use wisdom.

Other key signs of infatuation:

  • Fall into it suddenly
  • Deepens little with time
  • Wants sex now
  • Up and down emotionally
  • In love with love
  • Fickle
  • Can’t eat or sleep
  • Hostile break-up at the slightest irritations
  • Emphasizes beauty
  • Gets
  • Based on my feelings
  • Self-centered
  • Shows emotion
  • Physical
  • Expects to find happiness
  • Asks “How am I doing?”
  • Focuses on the performance of the other person
  • May feel this way toward more than one person
  • Possessive
  • May be based on few contacts (only person you’ve dated)
  • Has an idealized Image of the other person
  • Avoids problems

Again, God did not intend for us to stay like this. Especially if we claim to be growing and mature believers. We are not to:

  • to state in the emotionally immature state of infatuation forever,
  • keep getting infatuated over and over again with different people all the time
  • Falling “in and out of love” all the time

Be aware of the fact that infatuation is energy sapping in the long run. Love is revitalizing and energizing and is long lasting; Love endures.

God wants us to be about His purposes within the contexts of our relationships and marriages. He doesn’t want us emotionally burned out and forever immature.

#2. Love is not Lust or Neediness

For the sake of clarity, let’s define lust.

Lust is a physical emotion and reaction to someone else’s physical appearance. It’s when you’re sexually attracted to a person. There is something in their bearing, physique that attracts you and you do not know them. It cannot be love. True love is based on a deep knowledge of the good, the bad and the ugly about someone and is unconditional. Lust is purely based on what you see and the hormonal reaction that happens in your body in response. Lust tends to be short-lived and is more about immediate gratification.

I also like this definition found on biblebelievingchristians.blogpost: “The main difference between lust and love is that love is a selfless concern for another person, where lust is totally self-focused. Lust is a wholehearted craving and belief in a lie that Satan has crafted. The lie varies with the situation and the person being tempted. Lust says, “If you do this thing, you will be satisfied deeply,” when the truth is that doing the thing will only lead to more hunger for whatever is to be consumed. Lust keeps growing in the person who feeds it. Love is patient, while lust requires immediate satisfaction. Love is kind, while lust is harsh. Love does not demand its own way, while lust does. Indeed, lust is the exact opposite of love.

I think you get the picture about lust. Let’s look at being needy. Sometimes are seek after relationships because we are in need:

  1. Of validation that we are good enough or loveable
  2. Of acceptance.
  3. To be noticed.
  4. Of attention from the opposite sex.
  5. To feel wanted
  6. To feel good about ourselves
  7. Of security because we are so insecure.
  8. To have somebody just to have somebody.
  9. To avoid feeling lonely.
  10. To show that we are good wifey material or that we could be a good husband because we were rejected in the past.
  11. Because we want sexual satisfication (Lust)

WHAT LOVE IS:

God is Love and Love is God.

And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has in us. God is love, and the one who resides in love resides in God, and God resides in him There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears punishment has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he loved us first. 1 John 4: 16 & 18.

Secondly, we know that the greatest gift of all is the gift of love.

1 Corinthians 13 – the great love chapter

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but I do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away everything I own, and if I give over my body in order to boast, but do not have love, I receive no benefit.

TRANSLATION: (you can be the smartest, wear the best clothes, the best business, the biggest ministry, the authored dozens of best selling boosk, beautiful spouse and children, and home and cars the most follwoers, likes, hearts, shares, operate in five fold ministry and all of the divine 9 of the spiritual gifts –

But if you can’t love and your heart is cold and hard and distant and you haven’t really received the love of God yourself, it means nothing.

Let’s look real quick at how genuine love looks in relationship:

REAL LOVE

  • Grows with time; Always deepening
  • Willing to wait for sex
  • Consistent
  • In love with a person
  • Faithful
  • Has proper perspective
  • Does not panic when problems arise
  • Emphasizes character
  • Gives
  • Based on other’s needs
  • Self-controlled
  • Shows devotion
  • Spiritual
  • Expects to work at happiness
  • Asks “How are you doing?”
  • Provides unconditional acceptance of the other person
  • Feels this way toward one and only one
  • Allows the other person to relate to others
  • Based on many contacts (dated many others)
  • Has a realistic view of the other person’s strengths and weaknesses
  • Works through problems

God IS love and He cannot be reduced to a mere emotion or transient feeling. Love is an intentional, sacrificial decision to love someone in spite of their faults and all in full maturity and knowledge of who they are when the butterfly feelings and the attraction dies down.

How do you know if you really love someone and are not in the mania of infatuation?

  1. The test of knowledge. The test of knowledge. Love grows out of an appraisal of all the known characteristics of the other person. How well do you expect to know the person you have all of these feelings for? A key component of infatuation is feeling that you know all you need right now about this person or that you just KNOW them FOREVER! (but it has only been 2 dates and talking all night on the phone)
  2. The test of focus. Are you focusing more on what they can do/be for you instead of what you bring to the table for them? Infatuated is very self-focused on how that person makes YOU feel.

Let’s continue to look at 1 Cor. 13:

4 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. 6 It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I have been checked on my love walk. What is the status of your love walk. I can’t get out here and say one thing and act another. God will show me myself.

God will let you meet and see yourself and sometimes it IS NOT PRETTY!!

A true litmus test if you are ready for the demands of a real relationship is how you act now when you are under pressure, stress and going thru stuff. The time to deal with your inconsistencies and issues is right now. Whatever emotional and mental struggles you have, a relationship will expose it.

It’s far better to be exposed between you and God first than get another person in the mix and create further harm and damage. IJS.

Also, pride, envy and jealousy have no place in real love. If I am struggling now in these areas, then marriage will only intensifty it.

The key to really loving is in letting down our walls, humbling ourselves, and being willing to submit to God’s love, receive it humbly and allow him to work in our hearts.

This is how we truly let Love, i.e., let God lead. He has to be leading us first before we connect in romantic love to anyone else.

8 Love never ends.. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Lust always ends. Infatuation always fades away. But Love never fails. – God is LOVE. LET HIM LEAD.

If you have no relationship with God or if you distance yourself from God or if you keep things very surface with God — you can’t know how to love on a deeper level, even to love yourself.

Therefore, instead of love (God) leading, you will lead in your feelings, in lust or in your own plans/thoughts. GOD IS LOVE. LET HIM LEAD!

Developing a relationship with God will mature your love for him, yourself and for other people. Letting God lead you now will make it easier to walk in love later in a marriage.

The more mature your love walk is, the more fear is driven out. Fear, jealously, neediness, unworthiness, have no place in mature love or a mature relationship. The more this stuff is dealt when we let God lead us now, the better position we are in when we meet the right person. Use the season of singlehood to learn that God is love and to Let Him lead you right now.

When we walk in love, we don’t have to be needy or lustful out of fear of not having our needs met. We don’t have to allow the mania of infatuation to take over sound wisdom and common sense. We don’t put the other person on a pedestal because we are infatuated. We love in truth — God is spirit and they who worship him must worship Him in spirit and in truth. He is the Spirit of Truth. And if that is the case, then we can’t stay in an infatuated state forever. Truth requires maturity and the ability to love someone for who they are and not based on how they make us feel.

God is love, Let Him Lead!

To learn more about my coaching and products to help you have healthy relationships go to tonikabreeden.com/shop **Also don’t forget to register for the FREE Let Him Lead webinar with Dr. Rita at bit.ly/lethimlead.

God Is Love. Let Him Lead. – Intimate Courtship & Engagement Conversation With Dr. Rita!

God is Love.  Let Him Lead.

Let God lead your love life.  Without Him there is no true, lasting, genuine love.

And since we are now officially in February – the month of love, it is only fitting that we acknowledge the origin of Love which is God.  For those of us who genuinely desire a real relationship founded in the Love of God, we must let God lead it to start with. Which brings me to the reason of this email…

You are officially invited to join me for Intimate Coffee & Conversation Webinar on Thursday, February 22 at 9 pm EST with the newly engaged Dr. Rita Firestarter out of Colorado Springs, CO. as she shares her courtship and engagement journey as Woman of God operating in her purpose.  Come with an expectation to receive practical wisdom & strategy from a seasoned woman of faith as she navigates the transitions of blending purpose, ministry and new family dynamics.

Register TODAY at bit.ly/lethimlead

Her key word or phrase in this process has been #WhenYouLetGodPickEm.

Come hear what happened to her when she gave up her way of finding love, surrendered to God, let God lead and let God pick him.

You really don’t want to miss this webinar!

Register at bit.ly/lethimlead

Love,

TB