Why Singles Accept Mistreatment or Settle for Less During the Holidays

loneliness during the holidays being single

Mistreatment: “to treat badly; to abuse, ill-use, kick around, maltreat, mal-handle,  mess over, misuse”.

WOW!  What about any of those words do you want in your life at any season of the year?  Absolutely none nothing whatsoever!!! It is unacceptable for you as a human being, as a child of God at anytime, anywhere, any season, day or month of the year — much less the Holiday SEASON!!!

Lonely feelings are not a reason to settle or to be mistreated. Having someone to hold you, hug you pet you and other things is not a reason to be treated badly, abused, kicked around, maltreated, mishandled and messed over! Stop settling for less or accept mistreatment just to have someone around out of loneliness.

There are many people both men and women who use the holiday time as a season to prey upon those who are vulnerable and needy for love.  The loneliness combined with societal and family expectations place an unhealthy demand to have someone to settle with just because it’s the holidays.

The root cause for settling for less than or allowing yourself to be mistreated during the holiday season is the simple reason that you believe that you are “less than”.  It is a key indicator of a low self-worth and value.  Healthy and balance self-love that is rooted in Christ’s love (not arrogant, conceited, selfish self –love, but the kind of love that says, Christ sees me as worthy to be redeemed, therefore I am worthy to be loved.  He did not die a cruel death on a cross for your life, just for you to turn around and allow someone else to mistreat you just because you feel lonely and want someone to hold you. He paid too high of a price to redeem your life for you to put yourself in a situation where you are dishonored, hurt and taken advantage of.

Always remember – it is not about how someone makes you feel, it is about how they actually treat you.  Their sweet words can make you feel on top of the world, make butterflies in your stomach, put you on cloud nine, in fantasy land with all of the potential and promises, but the litmus test of how much they value is always in how well they actually treat you as a human being and as a child of God.  Do they care for your and respect you for the person that you are?

Case in point speaking from my own experience, I was always very anxious around the holidays because the expectations were so high.  Everyone seemed to have this jolly holly spirit and here I was pining away looking for and living on text messages from my man.  Here I was hoping and praying that we actually have a NORMAL holiday time as a couple spending time together with our respective families, but year after year it would pan out to nothing, no real time, just empty promises and foolishness.

Why did I accept this treatment — 1) because I was not rooted, grounded fixed and founded in the love of God for myself . 2) I was not complete and wholehearted woman of God and I was looking outside of myself and the institution of marriage to validate me and 3) I made the decision to stay in the relationship based on how he made me feel emotionally instead of how he actually treated me.  There is a huge difference in how you are made to feel by someone’s sweet words and the corresponding action (or lack thereof) in how they actually treat you!!!

Don’t get it twisted, don’t mistake the two.  When a person’s words and actions do not jive, believe the actions, not the words.  And just because it’s Christmas, the words and actions must match all the more!!!

The Ex’s

During the holiday season, many of us allow the “past ex’s circle back into our lives.  They are called “Ex” for a reason.  You allowed them to Exit your life. Chances are the same issues that caused the break up still remain. They do not instantly disappear because of the magic of the holiday season, Baby Jesus, mistletoe, the Temptations singing Silent Night and Christmas decorations in the window.

Examples of mistreatment: all of a sudden breezing back into your life as if nothing happened and expecting you to drop your world to be with them because of a few measly text messages. Not showing up or calling when said they would.  Overt and covert mistreatment, disrespect, dishonor, making you look bad, cheating, and the list goes on.

An old ex or former significant other who treated you poorly should not get a free pass or get granted amnesty & access to your life as if nothing happened because they still look good and just because it is Christmas.  The standards necessary to have a healthy and wholesome relationship with you should still be in full force all year long and are not suspended because it is the Holidays.

In order to have the strength to flee unhealthy situations where you would be tempted to fall back into and subject yourself to mistreatment you must become rooted, grounded, fixed and founded in the love of God.  As I have been always been saying you are responsible for your own emotional and spiritual health and wellbeing which means you must take the time to know you and love you first before someone else can love you or you will subject to being mistreated and abused every time.  Without doing this you will always be functioning at an emotional and spiritual deficit which will make you more vulnerable to foolery and mistreatment during the holiday season. Scriptures that help you get rooted and grounded are:

  1. Psalm 139:14: “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well (NKJV).”
  1. Colossians 3:10 “And you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power (NKJV); and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority (NIV).”

Boundary Busting Behaviors

To avoid messy situations, it is best to not suspend your moral standards or engage in boundary busting behavior out of the “Spirit of the Season”. This is a biggie folks!!!!

When you watch the TV Christmas specials, all of the shows, the lights and the special Christmas songs and the romantic songs it is very easy to start get feelings and fantasize about what it would be like with that one special person.  This is not the time to overindulge in hot and heavy romance movies on TV and read steamy novels.  Another recipe for disaster!  We are responsible to guard what we put before our eyes and ears since they are the gateways to our minds and hearts.  Garbage in, garbage out.  What you think about, you bring about!  If you truly and sincerely desire to be prepared and ready for marriage to the God’s best for you, then don’t put yourself in a compromising mental and emotional state by feeding your spirit improperly during holidays.

Once your mental and emotional state are compromised by unholy thoughts, fantasies and hot romance, you will be susceptible to boundary busting behavior, letting ex’s slide in, deciding that it is okay to compromise sexually “just because”.  When it’s all over, then you are left with the guilt and another “complicated, messy” situation.  You are left with another soul tie with a person who is not your spouse.  You are left with soul residue that you will need healing and cleaning up from before you can walk free into your destiny.

Jesus died a dishonorable death so that we could walk in honor as His children. He died for our dignity and honor.  When we cross the boundaries that He died to protect, we are bringing shame to our Creator.  He paid a very high cost with His life and the fact that we belong to Him makes us extremely valuable.  As we grow and mature in Him and as we walk in our purpose as women of God, our value should continue to increase.  Our value comes from who we are in Him as complete, whole, redeemed women.  Our value increases in proportion to the extent in which we allow Christ to be fully formed in us and the degree to which we let Him transform our character.  We cannot devalue ourselves by relaxing our boundaries in the name of romantic love.

Inside the book, What Women Don’t Know and Men Don’t Tell You, McKinney Hammond & Brooks says (paraphrase): “You are NOT a Taste Test Sexually to be sampled”, tested, mishandled and abused and left alone.  You are too valuable.  Your life means too much to God.  If we are willing to be tested and sampled then you do not value yourself!!! Raise the standard.  Get the value thing right on the inside!!!

Also, remember as a child of God, you are Kings and Queens, Priest in the earth.  If you are a true King or Queen then you do not ALLOW yourself to be a slave to your bodily desires.  You master your impulses, and emotions and do not let them dictate your decisions or what you do with your body.  Kings & Queens are masters of their emotions AND their bodies.

I encourage you to hold on and stand fast during this season.  Know your worth and who you are in Christ.  You are worth and deserving of a relationship that honors and uplifts you, not diminishes and disrespects you.

For FREE audio on 3 Signs of a Toxic relationship go to my website at www.tonikabreeden.com .For more information on walking in emotional wholeness or ending dead-end relationships, order your copy of Get Out of that Dead-End Relationship NOW! A Christian Woman’s Guide on How to Get Real, Healed & Move On TODAY! Available at http://www.amazon.com in paperback or Kindle or for an autographed copy go to www.tonikabreeden.com


One thought on “Why Singles Accept Mistreatment or Settle for Less During the Holidays

  1. Pingback: Tonika Breeden - Why Singles Accept Mistreatment or Settle for Less During the Holidays

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