Three Things I have Learned about Love



As I reflect upon Love and all of the hoopla surrounding it as we approach Valentine ’s Day, several personal lessons come to mind.

The biggest lesson about love that I have learned is that it is NOT about how to avoid getting in a dead-end relationship.

It’s NOT about all the red flags to avoid.

It’s NOT about being perfect, fully flowing in your life purpose, or being totally and completed healed up before love shows up.

It’s about SURRENDER.

Love is about surrendering your notion and idea of control.  It’s about giving up what I think I need and allowing life and love to unfold as God allows – not me forcing it.

I was the Queen of Control.  I wanted a guarantee that if I risked loving again that 1) I wouldn’t get caught up in another dead-end 2) that I wouldn’t make a fool of myself after I had written my book and 3) that it would be the right relationship.

What I had to realize is to love freely and to show up fully for the kind of relationship that I claimed I wanted and prayed for would mean that I would have to take the plunge and learn to trust again.

If you are praying for real love, then be ready to trust and surrender to the process.  You can’t control and manage it according to your past point of reference.

The next big lesson….. PRIDE & PROTECTION

As a Christians we are taught to guard our heart with all diligence for out of it proceeds the issue of life.  I believe I have misinterpreted this verse.  Instead of simply guarding our hearts from outside negative influences and sin, we tend to guard it against love and keep up walls, but somehow we manage to let the negativity and the sin creep on in!

My heart was so guarded that I was looking for everything WRONG in a person in the name of protecting myself.  My pride was such that I absolutely could not afford to make another big mistake again.

Most importantly, because of my past wounds, I wanted to cover and protect, put my best foot forward and not let anyone get close enough to see my ugly, my idiosyncrasies, my mishaps, imperfections and struggles.  I had been mistreated and abandoned in dead-end relationships for too long to risk putting myself out there again.  How would I know that the person would run away and abandon me like the others if they saw the real me behind the smile, the book and the nice pictures?

For those of you who have suffered abandonment, betrayal, dead-ends, and all of the wounds that go with it, ask God for the grace to open your heart to love again and the wisdom in choosing the right person.

The last lesson I learned is this….

When you get into a real relationship that’s actually healthy, it is very different than the dysfunction you have been accustomed to.  Also, it’s easy to talk about what to do and what not to do until you actually get in one.

What I’ve learned is that the biggest blessing that comes from taking the time to get real, be healed, and learn to be alone for a while is that I have come to know myself and God on a much deeper level.  If I did not learn to love myself, be whole by myself and accept myself while I was still by myself, then adding another human to the equation would equal another dead-end.

It goes back to the question: How can I expect another person to know me, love me, and accept me when I don’t give that to myself?

If you are alone this Valentine’s, fret not.  Take your time and LEARN during this season and take advantage of all of the growth and healing that is for you. Most of all, remember that you are never truly alone!

Until Next time,


Stay connected to my #GetRealBeHealed Movement by clicking here!  For a FREE audio on 3 Signs of a Toxic Relationship go to and download today.  If you are struggling in a dead-end relationship, check out my book Get Out of that Dead-End Relationship NOW available on in paperback and Kindle.



2 thoughts on “Three Things I have Learned about Love

  1. Pingback: Tonika Breeden - Three Things I have Learned about Love

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