The Queen’s Guide on How To Handle A Break – Up: 4 Key Principles On Handling Your Break-up with Dignity and Move On With Your Life.

Repeat after me:

“I am a Queen. I am not common!”

Break-ups, even good ones are always painful.  Depending on which side you are on – i.e., you were broken up with or you initiated the break-up, it still hurts.

Regardless of how things went down, the period right after the break-up is the time where even the most calm, cool and collected woman feels emotionally crazed, unglued and undone.  It is the period where every thought imaginable runs through your head, your heart hurts, you can’t eat, barely sleep, fighting off the overwhelming urge to text, email, call, get further closure, explain and talk more, check-in, and on and on..

But as a Queen, you can’t afford to do this.  Nope.  Now more than ever is the time to really depend upon your Power Source, that is Christ Within you to help you hold it together during this vulnerable and critical season.

The first thing is to remember is Who you are in Christ.   As a child of God and daughter of the King, you have at your disposal the capacity to do several things during this time to help you regain your bearings and conduct yourself as royalty even when you feel like a hot mess on the inside.

Queenly Principle #1 – Rest in Quietness & Confidence

Scripture Focus: Isaiah 30:15 – For thus saith the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: “In returning and rest shall ye be saved, in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength; but ye would not.

Note the first key word – rest.  Rest is defined as ceasing work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself or recover strength.  In the context of a break-up, your first job is to rest in Christ so that you can recover your strength.  This means you are not working and toiling in your mind, pouring over the last 24 hours, the words spoken during the break-up, all of the events leading up to, every subtle nuance of every conversation, email and text message and so forth.  No!  All of this equals WORK.  It is not rest.  It is not easy but doable.  To rest in Christ means to take your concerns, your heartbreak, your wounds and your pain to God first.  It means prayer.  It means crying it out.  It means allowing yourself to feel the pain and moving through it with God and not all of your friends.  Once you do this, peace and ease will settle into your soul.

The difference between a Queen and a Common Girl or a Slave Girl is that the Common Girl will WORK.  In her wounded emotions and pain, she will slave, toil, and strive to figure out what to do next to get him back.  Because of the pain and because missing him is too much to bear, she throws caution to the wind and is completely led by wild runaway emotions.  The only goal is to alleviate her pain by getting him back or trying to be “friends” immediately so he won’t think “bad” of her and this causes her to appear desperate and needy.  This is VERY un-Queen like and delays the healing process.

The Queen, on the other hand, although she has all of the same feelings, is able to ride out the emotional storm without losing control.  She seeks God and settles into a place of peace and POISE.    This peace and poise comes from remembering the scripture above that states, “in QUIETNESS and CONFIDENCE shall be your strength.  Remember, as a Queen, you are to conduct yourself with poise at all times.  Quietness and confidence is NOT sending random text messages to “say hey, check in, this reminded me of you, I’m praying for you”, calling him, leaving messages, sending long emails, “accidentally” running into him out in public, etc.  These types of behaviors scream the exact opposite – loud and insecure!

Queenly poise is developed by learning how to hold your peace while you heal and leaving it in God’s hands to work out.  A Queen trusts that God has her best interests and her back at all times and she need not obsess about what he is doing, what he is thinking, what he is feeling, does he miss me, etc.  She knows that God can fix any situation and God knows how to speak to this man to get his attention at the right time and the right way.  She has learned that it is better to trust and rest in God than to get herself all worked up and dirty trying to fix a situation on her own.  A Queen knows that the battle is not hers, but Gods (scripture reference).  She has already prayed, not my will but Thine be done…

Queenly Principle #2 – Remain Seated in Christ

Scripture Focus: Ephesians 2:6 – and he raised us up with him and SEATED us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus and Colossians 3:1-2 – Therefore, if you have been raised with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, SEATED at the right hand of God.

To be seated in Christ, within the context of getting over a break-up is to be seated emotionally and mentally. It means to remember who you are in Christ.  As a Queen, you are in an ELEVATED position in Christ.  Your life is hidden in Christ and you are seated in power and position with HIM.  You can’t afford to step down from your position and behave like a common girl enslaved and entangled in her emotions.

Being seated in Christ means being SECURE.  A Queen receives her personal security and worth from who she is as a child of God.  Her security and worth is not based on her relationship status.  She is secure in Christ.  As a Queen seated in Christ, my heart and my mind must follow my position as a Queen anchored to Christ.  A Queen seeks to remain connected to Christ as we are exhorted to do in John 15:4.

Even in the midst of a break-up, a Queen’s life must continue to flow out of her secured and seated position in Christ.  This means that a Queen THINKS before she acts on any emotional impulse or urge during the early weeks after a break-up, especially any thought patterns and resulting actions that could cause her to get up from her seated position in Christ.   Actions such as texting, calling, social media stalking, driving by his home or work, “accidentally” running into him or allowing thoughts about other women, what is he doing, feeling jealous to run rampant. All of this drives deep insecurity and emotional instability. A Queen settles this security issue by knowing who she is and her worth and value in Christ and using this break up season as a time of healing and reflection.

A Common girl, enslaved by her emotions and insecurities, will not remain seated emotionally, mentally or physically.  She will run around all over the place — thinking, saying and doing things she should not be doing from a place of emotional pain.  She puts herself in the dangerous position of being further injured on top of the original break-up because of not being able to stay seated long enough to begin the healing process.  Instead of reflecting, healing and preparing for her next season, a slave girl 1) chases her ex or 2) get entangled in a rebound relationship in order to avoid her pain.

As Queens we must walk wisely and circumspectly with the realization that the devil, the enemy of our souls always wants us to focus on our CONDITION instead of our POSITION.  In other words,  if we are looking at appearances, the break-up ,what happened, our anxious feelings, how angry and hurt we are, what he could be doing now, obsessing and analyzing then it becomes VERY difficult to remain in our elevated POSITION.

However, as Queens if we remain conscious and aware of our seated POSITION in Christ, we will have the POWER to CHANGE OUR CONDITION!

Catch that Queens!  If you remember who you are and your position in Christ, you have the POWER to CHANGE YOUR CONDITION.  Either way, the break-up will be for your ultimate good because you are in God’s hands and your condition will soon change.  You will go higher and no longer be the same person you were before the break-up.  Don’t dwell on your current conditions — remember your Position!

Queenly Principle #3 – Receive Healing & Revelation

Scripture Focus: Healing Scripture – Psalm 147:3 (GNT) He heals the broken-hearted and bandages their wounds. Revelation Scripture – Ephesians 1: 17-18 (GNT) ….and ask the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, to give you the Spirit, who will make you wise and reveal God to you, so that you will know him. 18 I ask that your minds may be opened to see his light, so that you will know what is the hope to which he has called you, how rich are the wonderful blessings he promises his people.

As Queens, we have settled down into a place of rest so that we can regain our strength from the emotional blow of a break up and have peace.  WE have made the conscious choice to not dwell on our condition of now being newly single, fresh from a painful break-up but rather to remain aware of our seated and elevated position in Christ.

We are now in a position to receive healing of our hearts and revelation for our next season.

Healing is a choice.  We must chose to heal and grow thru in the midst of a relationship break-up. Time does not heal all wounds if we are not self-aware and intentional to reflect and learn the lessons.  Many women are still just as emotionally raw and unhealed from divorces and relationship break-ups that occurred 10 years ago as if they happened yesterday.  Healing requires intention and a deep desire to be made whole.

If we remain at rest and seated in Christ we will position ourselves for optimal growth and healing.  The season after a break up has the greatest potential for significant personal growth and development if we steward the season wisely and not waste our emotional and mental energy stuck in the pain.

In order to heal appropriately from a break-up, we must take a step back, reflect and ponder on what happened in the relationship and actually OWN our part of the relationship demise. Queens ask God and themselves the following questions:

  • What do I need to heal on the inside?
  • What needs to be revealed to me about this situation?
  • Were there any red flags and warnings that I overlooked about this relationship that God was trying to show me in the beginning?
  • What in me attracted this situation in my life?

After receiving answers to these questions, as Queens we must now turn our pain, anger, hurt over to God.  We must now OWN our role in it, forgive ourselves, and forgive him.  Blaming, lack of self-compassion and un-forgiveness to ourselves and to the man involved will not serve us and only attract the same relationship again until we learn the lessons from the questions above.  We must learn the lessons our souls need to know so that we grow.  As Queens, we don’t’ want to keep repeating the same patterns over and over again.  IT’s the same as flunking and repeating the same grade over and over again in school.  We don’t want to repeat the grade therefore we take all the time we need to heal and receive the revelation we need.

This means taking the time to journal, pray, read and study the Bible and other books to receive healing and understanding.  This means spending alone time with yourself and also taking time to nurture your dreams and passions.  This means learning to walk in greater degrees of personal worthiness and wholeness – i.e., learning to love yourself in a healthy way so that you are not needy and searching for love and validation from a man.

A common girl or a slave, however, would rather not go through this process because it can be uncomfortable.  It’s much easier to run from her emotions, stay busy and overwhelmed, allow loneliness and a strong need for male attention to drive her.  So instead of taking the time to receive healing and revelation, she gets on Netflix, scrolls thru her social media accounts, hangs out drinking with friends and getting entangled in meaningless encounters with men in an attempt to alleviate pain and receive male attention.  By doing this, she creates more damage to her soul and perpetuates the same patterns and will attract men that mean her no good.

As Queens who have now received healing and revelation, we embark on a new season.  Every time healing and revelation is received, a new season is always inevitable because once you heal, learn and grow, you are never again the same person you were before the break-up.  IT’s on to a new season and a new you!

Queenly Principle #3 – Reign & Rule in Life

Scripture Focus: Romans 5:17 – For if by one man’s offense death reigned by one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness shall REIGN in life by One, Jesus Christ.

Rulership means ownership.   We must own our lives — the good the bad the ugly, even things that happened beyond our control, stuff caused by other people, the devil, God whoever.  We must take FULL RESPONSIBILITY. We can’t say we are Queens and walk in kingdom dominion and authority but reject certain parts of our lives because it wasn’t our fault or beyond our control.  To have dominion means to take responsibility and OWN all of it.  Once you own something you are now in a position to CHANGE It with God.  He won’t change it until you take the steps to stop blaming, making excuses, feeling sorry.  He wants us to rise up and own our own lives!

Breaking up is not easy, but if you don’t take the time to heal right, you will rebound into another relationship.  Take your time — rest, receive, reign and rule in order to be ready for the relationship that is worthy of you.

For Kings & Queens Only: 6 Keys to Discerning a Qualified Purpose Partner

(catch the live stream replay of my teaching on this at https://www.periscope.tv/GetRealBeHealed/1gqGvbmmaRnGB)

For those of us who are serious about finding a purpose partner, i.e., not a playtime partner, a mean time partner or a placeholder partner (this is another blog post altogether!), these are the criteria that absolutely MUST be in place for in a person to be seriously considered as a potential spouse.  Don’t make the mistake I did which was to allow my heart to engage (i.e., fall in love) with someone who was strong in one or two areas, but very weak in the other areas.  Every area must have a degree of strength and sustainability for you to have a relationship that survives the long haul.  In other words, a person will not be perfect, but you must see significant fruit over time in these areas if you want to have a God-honoring partnership that is one of purpose.  So here goes!

He or she must be walking in a significant degree of healing from traumatic issues and relationships from past (ex-spouse/ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, childhood traumas, tragedies). They must have healthy boundaries with members of the opposite sex and they must cut off relationships with all ex’s and “friends with benefits” from the past. This means having undergone a significant amount of healing and processing which can only be seen over time. Evidence of healing would include the ability to not keep bringing up the past, referencing the past, actively talking to ex-wives (unless minor children involved), ex-girlfriends, lovers, somehow maintaining a connection (social media stalking, etc).  If someone is really serious about you they will not still communicating platonically with members of the opposite sex that could be a potential problem for the new relationship.  No matter how platonic a relationship is between a man and a woman, inevitably at some point 99.99999% of the time, one of the two will secretly or unwittingly “catch the feels”. Your potential partner should not behave as if they don’t have a significant other to think about.  Also, when it comes to being healed from the past, don’t mistake ability to share and talk about the past as being healed.  No, it is just sharing.  A person can be very good at talking about their feelings and what happened but that doesn’t mean that they are healed from it, it just means they are able to talk about to you as a nice emotional blanket (dumping all of their baggage on you) but are still unwilling to actually do the soul level work required to heal.

He or she must be flowing in their passion, life – calling or purpose in a significant way already. They do not have to be all big and hot shot about it, but sincere and passionate, actively doing what God called him or her to do. A man should not be pursuing a woman as a girlfriend, wife etc. if he is not pursuing God and his life purpose first. If a man is on eHarmony looking for love and sex but not seeking God about his next steps or his purpose, he is out of order.  A man is not ready for a helpmeet if he doesn’t have a purpose to work on that he needs help with. A woman is not qualified to be a helpmeet to help a man, if she can’t surrender to God’s vision for her life.  If she can’t submit to God’s purpose for her, she can’t submit to a mutual vision with a husband. If a man is flowing in his calling to some degree it will increase is confidence and that confidence will spill to other areas of life and make him a better husband. The same holds true for a woman.  When she is in the flow of life purpose, it makes her show up more fully into the woman that God created her to be.  Then they are in a position to be mutually aligned in purpose.

 A Man must be Consistent in Provision, Protection, Communication and Showing up for his woman. A Woman must be ready to receive him, cultivate the capacity to be vulnerable and being a safe place for her man’s heart. This means he pays, he covers, he texts, calls and does what he says he’s going to do. He never asks her for money. There is no shucking and jiving, no here today, gone tomorrow. A woman should be wondering if he is going to call, show up, etc. He should be very reliable at all times and not leave her wondering and guessing.  A true godly man will not give the devil room to create anxiety, insecurity and vain imaginations in her head.  He will never leave her hanging and uncovered like that.  You should be able to talk and have serious conversations without disrespect, diminishing, negativity, drama.  He should not be arrogant or self-centered and willing to listen.  Same holds true for the woman.  She treats him with utmost respect and is able to be open and vulnerable, thus encouraging him to be vulnerable and share his heart with hers.  She is not all hard, super independent and bossy.  She can receive his help, protection, provision and covering without feeling like it makes her less of a person or weaker.  She understands that it’s not her college degrees or six figure salary that draws him (even though those things are good), it is her capacity to be a safe place for his heart and be his Queen. Queens reign with quiet confidence and dignity.  They are interdependent, not independent or co-dependent.

The Man Must Exhibit Spiritual Leadership and the Woman must be Spiritually Mature. A man who is serious about his woman and serious about his relationship with God will want to take the lead spiritually in the relationship and will show signs of it by initiating prayer, bible studies, church attendance and asking about and being concerned about his woman’s spiritual growth. His presence should inspire her to draw closer to God and her presence should want him to draw closer to God as well. However, if a man is not flowing in purpose (#2 above) or has unresolved issues in (#1 above), then he is not leading himself to God consistently, therefore cannot lead his woman. Don’t make the mistake of looking at how well-read he may be on spiritual things, his past roles in the Church and his overall salvation as a deciding factor that he has the spiritual depth and fortitude to grow spiritually with you. Both partners should have confidence that either one can get a prayer through.  In other words, when life gets really tough, you want a partner that knows how to pray.  You don’t want someone that can’t pray, does know the Word and here you are struggling and can barely keep you mind together during a rough patch.  Because your partner doesn’t have a prayer life or lacks spiritual depth, you will wind up having to seek outside support first instead of your spouse (who should be the very first person above all before the best friend, church people, other family) Even if you have no doubt that your significant other is truly saved and knows God, if their soul is weak and unhealed and they are not willing to do the work of healing, he or she will not make the grade spiritually – especially if you want a relationship of Kingdom significance and purpose. Women should not be pushing the man to pray or go to church.  In the dating and courtship phase, he should already be established and you should be able to sense the peace and love of God in his energy around you.  Same is true for the man. For any woman you are considering to be your partner, she should be actively cultivating her own relationship with God and you should see the fruit of it in her presence when you are with her.

There must be Chemistry/Attraction/General Compatibility. There should be mutual physical and personality attraction. You should be attracted to your future spouse and they should be attracted to you.  There should be chemistry.  But I think chemistry will be greater when #1-4 above is in place as well.  It is not wise to be with someone who you are not attracted to and there is no chemistry.  There must be basic personality compatibility.  Even with different personalities and with conflict, there should be the capacity to mesh well or “become one” – not in the sexual sense, but in the sense of becoming one on all dimensions.  Going back to the first two points — there is something about leading spiritually, being consistent, healed up from past and flowing in passion that is sexy and creates chemistry.

There must be a Willingness to Be Abstinent until Marriage. If you are reading this blog, chances are you are a Christian. Those of with a biblical perspective and worldview of dating and courtship know that sex outside of marriage is out of alignment with scripture.  For a Christian couple who sincerely takes their relationship with Christ seriously, this is paramount.  This means deciding up front what your physical boundaries are. This means putting the accountability, time limits, mental and emotional boundaries in place to protect your sexuality until marriage.  There is an old saying – “Jesus will keep you, if you want to be kept…”

Well, there it is!!!! You can catch the replay of this teaching on live stream via periscope at https://www.periscope.tv/GetRealBeHealed/1gqGvbmmaRnGB!!!

Until next time,

 

TB

 

My Current Reading List: In All Thy Getting, Get Understanding.

What are you reading?  Comment and Let me know!

Check out my current books I am reading thru…. What are you reading?  Wisdom is the principal thing and in all thy getting get an understanding (Prov. 4:7).  Receiving wisdom, knowledge & understanding thru books that heal and transform your thinking is key. Scrolling thru Instagram and Facebook reading quotes is not real reading! Lol. A very important part of my own personal healing and growth journey is being an avid reader. I am a bookaholic. I am a nerd.  🙂 Learning from the wisdom, testimonies and struggles of others helps me personally and in my own purpose and calling to help people detach, disentangle, disengage and detox from dead-end relationships. Naturally my own book is right there in the midst. Heehee. #LeadersAreReaders #Books #Bookshelf #bookstagram #bookslover