What You Resist Persists – How To Let Go in “That” Situation

Hello Wonderful People!!…I know, I know… it’s been a while since I’ve posted… but felt the need to share this one nugget that has been really resonating with me here lately.

What you resist persists….

You know that one, particular situation in your life right now —

  • The “issue” in your current relationship…
  • What happened recently with your child(ren) or on the job…
  • Still struggling trying to find your way – your purpose
  • Your ministry or business struggles
  • The current events of tragedy, trauma and suffering that you may be going thru right now…
  • The loneliness of being without a partner when you have been used to the married life…
  • Single and still waiting for the Right One to appear…
  • Just ending a relationship, still thinking of him/her and secretly keeping an eye on his/her Instagram and Facebook pages…
  • Feeling guilty for reconnecting back with him/her and getting intimate  again just to be left hanging and not returning your calls, texts, acting weird, pulling away, etc.

And the list goes on…

 

No matter where you are right now, as long as you keep fixating on the situation – attempting to figure it out, force it, manipulate or control it, it will remain the same.  If you have your heart set on a certain, particular outcome on that situation and it appears that it is going the opposite direction, as long as you are emotionally and mentally attached to having it manifest in your way, the situation will persist.

What you resist, persists. When we let go, we allow God to flow.  Whenever we attach to a certain outcome and attempt to force our desires in a situation we do the following:

  • Invite a Spirit of Fear & Desperation
  • Invite the Spirit of Impatience & Haste
  • Repel Faith & Grace
  • Get into works of the flesh, pride & ego
  • Attempt to force an outcome according to preconceived notion/fantasy/little movie in our mind.
  • Create a bigger problem & bigger delay
  • Breeds rigidity to a certain way and blocks other creative solutions
  • Breeds insecurity.

Remember, every time fear and panic step in, faith and wisdom step out! This is a huge indicator and a red flag that you have gone too far in your thinking and emotions. When we fall back, chill and trust this creates the space for grace and for God to flow into the situation. When we get into force, figuring, and fixating we dam up the path with our own working and negativity.

When we trust God we are saying, “God, either way this situation goes I know that it is working together for my good according to Romans 8:28.”  Stand on that and believe it TODAY. I encourage you to FALL BACK (do not text him, do not be all worked up, do not run it your mind 85 times), CHILL & TRUST!

Prayer For You

(especially if you are in a tough situation — relationship or otherwise):

Lord, I release my rigidity.  Letting go allows you to flow in my situation.  I understand that by being resistant and fixating on (that person, situation or issue), I will keep the situation with me.   Today I intentionally chose to let go, chill & trust the process. Amen.

TALK2TONIKA CLARITY SESSIONS

Are You….

  • Seeking clarity in your relationship situation?
  • In pain, chaos & confusion?
  • Ready to end it but don’t know how?
  • Feeling in limbo, stuck and unclear in your life overall?

For a limited time, I’m opening up my calendar for 25 minute complimentary clarity coaching sessions for those who are very serious about moving forward in life and in their relationships.  If you are interested in having a complimentary session with me, click HERE to schedule your Talk2Tonika session today!

UPCOMING EVENTS

 

For those of you in the local Raleigh/Durham North Carolina USA area, join me on Sept 16th for the Faith Walkers Live Conference where I will be a facilitator.  The time has 6:30 am for those who want to actually exercise and go on a Faith Walk Duke University before the conference.  However, it is not mandatory, so don’t let that scare you!   Click here to register

Also, don’t forget – I will be in Charlotte, NC as a facilitator for the Heart & Sole Conference / Running on a Broken Heel on October 13-14 and I’d love to see you there. Click here to register!

STAY CONNECTED

 

Download the Periscope app on Google Play or Apple and follow me on Periscope @GetRealBeHealed to catch my live broadcast videos.  I share tons of information on emotional healing and relationships!!!

In Him

 

Tonika

 

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If You Want To Be Healed, You Must First Get Real – Checking In

I have been remiss to blog lately!  I’ve had a lot going on (and so have you I’m sure) but still it’s no excuse!

We are all (self-included) on the journey to getting real and being healed.  Healing happens in layers.  In the process, remember above all things – regardless of you circumstances you are worthy to be loved, cherished and understood in your romantic relationships.

Anything less, is a choice that you are allowing. So, ask yourself, what is it about this situation that no matter how jacked up it is, that I choose to stay?  What am I denying and refusing to deal with? What is it costing me to stay in this?  What is the cost (other people’s opinions, money, time lost, the children, etc.)  to end it?  Why am I willing to pay the price of keeping my heart diminished for years instead of paying the price to heal and be free?

Remember that.  Next up — Two Things

Running on a Broken Heel – Heart & Sole Weekend – Charlotte, NC October

I am super excited to a part of the Running on a Broken Heel Movement and the amazing Heart & Sole Weekend in Charlotte, North Carolina on October 13-14.  I will be there to share and teach on the topic of “Soul Ties” during the Saturday morning workshops.  Make plans NOW to attend, check out the flyer below and click the link to purchase your tickets.  It promises to be a sold out event as the Running On a Broken Heel events always are!!!

Click here: Https:/ROABHHeartandsole.eventbrite.com

GetRealBeHealed Christian Life Coaching Now Available.

Part of why have I have been missing in action is the fact that I have now an official certified Christian Life Coach and HIScoach™ !! Yes, I am now a Certified Christian Life Coach and have been actively engaged in positioning myself to serve in a higher way.  If you are in need of one-on-one coaching in your relationship or overall life situation, I’m here to help!  I am still offering complimentary (aka – FREE) thirty minute clarity sessions on any issue of your heart that you are struggling with.  If you are interested in scheduling a sacred time to connect and share what’s going on in a discreet and safe place, send an email to tonika@tonikabreeden.com with the SUBJECT LINE as “Talk2Tonika Session”.  These sessions are 30 minutes via phone.

Stay connected and you will be hearing from me again, very soon!

With Love,

T.

The Queen’s Guide on How To Handle A Break – Up: 4 Key Principles On Handling Your Break-up with Dignity and Move On With Your Life.

Repeat after me:

“I am a Queen. I am not common!”

Break-ups, even good ones are always painful.  Depending on which side you are on – i.e., you were broken up with or you initiated the break-up, it still hurts.

Regardless of how things went down, the period right after the break-up is the time where even the most calm, cool and collected woman feels emotionally crazed, unglued and undone.  It is the period where every thought imaginable runs through your head, your heart hurts, you can’t eat, barely sleep, fighting off the overwhelming urge to text, email, call, get further closure, explain and talk more, check-in, and on and on..

But as a Queen, you can’t afford to do this.  Nope.  Now more than ever is the time to really depend upon your Power Source, that is Christ Within you to help you hold it together during this vulnerable and critical season.

The first thing is to remember is Who you are in Christ.   As a child of God and daughter of the King, you have at your disposal the capacity to do several things during this time to help you regain your bearings and conduct yourself as royalty even when you feel like a hot mess on the inside.

Queenly Principle #1 – Rest in Quietness & Confidence

Scripture Focus: Isaiah 30:15 – For thus saith the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: “In returning and rest shall ye be saved, in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength; but ye would not.

Note the first key word – rest.  Rest is defined as ceasing work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself or recover strength.  In the context of a break-up, your first job is to rest in Christ so that you can recover your strength.  This means you are not working and toiling in your mind, pouring over the last 24 hours, the words spoken during the break-up, all of the events leading up to, every subtle nuance of every conversation, email and text message and so forth.  No!  All of this equals WORK.  It is not rest.  It is not easy but doable.  To rest in Christ means to take your concerns, your heartbreak, your wounds and your pain to God first.  It means prayer.  It means crying it out.  It means allowing yourself to feel the pain and moving through it with God and not all of your friends.  Once you do this, peace and ease will settle into your soul.

The difference between a Queen and a Common Girl or a Slave Girl is that the Common Girl will WORK.  In her wounded emotions and pain, she will slave, toil, and strive to figure out what to do next to get him back.  Because of the pain and because missing him is too much to bear, she throws caution to the wind and is completely led by wild runaway emotions.  The only goal is to alleviate her pain by getting him back or trying to be “friends” immediately so he won’t think “bad” of her and this causes her to appear desperate and needy.  This is VERY un-Queen like and delays the healing process.

The Queen, on the other hand, although she has all of the same feelings, is able to ride out the emotional storm without losing control.  She seeks God and settles into a place of peace and POISE.    This peace and poise comes from remembering the scripture above that states, “in QUIETNESS and CONFIDENCE shall be your strength.  Remember, as a Queen, you are to conduct yourself with poise at all times.  Quietness and confidence is NOT sending random text messages to “say hey, check in, this reminded me of you, I’m praying for you”, calling him, leaving messages, sending long emails, “accidentally” running into him out in public, etc.  These types of behaviors scream the exact opposite – loud and insecure!

Queenly poise is developed by learning how to hold your peace while you heal and leaving it in God’s hands to work out.  A Queen trusts that God has her best interests and her back at all times and she need not obsess about what he is doing, what he is thinking, what he is feeling, does he miss me, etc.  She knows that God can fix any situation and God knows how to speak to this man to get his attention at the right time and the right way.  She has learned that it is better to trust and rest in God than to get herself all worked up and dirty trying to fix a situation on her own.  A Queen knows that the battle is not hers, but Gods (scripture reference).  She has already prayed, not my will but Thine be done…

Queenly Principle #2 – Remain Seated in Christ

Scripture Focus: Ephesians 2:6 – and he raised us up with him and SEATED us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus and Colossians 3:1-2 – Therefore, if you have been raised with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, SEATED at the right hand of God.

To be seated in Christ, within the context of getting over a break-up is to be seated emotionally and mentally. It means to remember who you are in Christ.  As a Queen, you are in an ELEVATED position in Christ.  Your life is hidden in Christ and you are seated in power and position with HIM.  You can’t afford to step down from your position and behave like a common girl enslaved and entangled in her emotions.

Being seated in Christ means being SECURE.  A Queen receives her personal security and worth from who she is as a child of God.  Her security and worth is not based on her relationship status.  She is secure in Christ.  As a Queen seated in Christ, my heart and my mind must follow my position as a Queen anchored to Christ.  A Queen seeks to remain connected to Christ as we are exhorted to do in John 15:4.

Even in the midst of a break-up, a Queen’s life must continue to flow out of her secured and seated position in Christ.  This means that a Queen THINKS before she acts on any emotional impulse or urge during the early weeks after a break-up, especially any thought patterns and resulting actions that could cause her to get up from her seated position in Christ.   Actions such as texting, calling, social media stalking, driving by his home or work, “accidentally” running into him or allowing thoughts about other women, what is he doing, feeling jealous to run rampant. All of this drives deep insecurity and emotional instability. A Queen settles this security issue by knowing who she is and her worth and value in Christ and using this break up season as a time of healing and reflection.

A Common girl, enslaved by her emotions and insecurities, will not remain seated emotionally, mentally or physically.  She will run around all over the place — thinking, saying and doing things she should not be doing from a place of emotional pain.  She puts herself in the dangerous position of being further injured on top of the original break-up because of not being able to stay seated long enough to begin the healing process.  Instead of reflecting, healing and preparing for her next season, a slave girl 1) chases her ex or 2) get entangled in a rebound relationship in order to avoid her pain.

As Queens we must walk wisely and circumspectly with the realization that the devil, the enemy of our souls always wants us to focus on our CONDITION instead of our POSITION.  In other words,  if we are looking at appearances, the break-up ,what happened, our anxious feelings, how angry and hurt we are, what he could be doing now, obsessing and analyzing then it becomes VERY difficult to remain in our elevated POSITION.

However, as Queens if we remain conscious and aware of our seated POSITION in Christ, we will have the POWER to CHANGE OUR CONDITION!

Catch that Queens!  If you remember who you are and your position in Christ, you have the POWER to CHANGE YOUR CONDITION.  Either way, the break-up will be for your ultimate good because you are in God’s hands and your condition will soon change.  You will go higher and no longer be the same person you were before the break-up.  Don’t dwell on your current conditions — remember your Position!

Queenly Principle #3 – Receive Healing & Revelation

Scripture Focus: Healing Scripture – Psalm 147:3 (GNT) He heals the broken-hearted and bandages their wounds. Revelation Scripture – Ephesians 1: 17-18 (GNT) ….and ask the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, to give you the Spirit, who will make you wise and reveal God to you, so that you will know him. 18 I ask that your minds may be opened to see his light, so that you will know what is the hope to which he has called you, how rich are the wonderful blessings he promises his people.

As Queens, we have settled down into a place of rest so that we can regain our strength from the emotional blow of a break up and have peace.  WE have made the conscious choice to not dwell on our condition of now being newly single, fresh from a painful break-up but rather to remain aware of our seated and elevated position in Christ.

We are now in a position to receive healing of our hearts and revelation for our next season.

Healing is a choice.  We must chose to heal and grow thru in the midst of a relationship break-up. Time does not heal all wounds if we are not self-aware and intentional to reflect and learn the lessons.  Many women are still just as emotionally raw and unhealed from divorces and relationship break-ups that occurred 10 years ago as if they happened yesterday.  Healing requires intention and a deep desire to be made whole.

If we remain at rest and seated in Christ we will position ourselves for optimal growth and healing.  The season after a break up has the greatest potential for significant personal growth and development if we steward the season wisely and not waste our emotional and mental energy stuck in the pain.

In order to heal appropriately from a break-up, we must take a step back, reflect and ponder on what happened in the relationship and actually OWN our part of the relationship demise. Queens ask God and themselves the following questions:

  • What do I need to heal on the inside?
  • What needs to be revealed to me about this situation?
  • Were there any red flags and warnings that I overlooked about this relationship that God was trying to show me in the beginning?
  • What in me attracted this situation in my life?

After receiving answers to these questions, as Queens we must now turn our pain, anger, hurt over to God.  We must now OWN our role in it, forgive ourselves, and forgive him.  Blaming, lack of self-compassion and un-forgiveness to ourselves and to the man involved will not serve us and only attract the same relationship again until we learn the lessons from the questions above.  We must learn the lessons our souls need to know so that we grow.  As Queens, we don’t’ want to keep repeating the same patterns over and over again.  IT’s the same as flunking and repeating the same grade over and over again in school.  We don’t want to repeat the grade therefore we take all the time we need to heal and receive the revelation we need.

This means taking the time to journal, pray, read and study the Bible and other books to receive healing and understanding.  This means spending alone time with yourself and also taking time to nurture your dreams and passions.  This means learning to walk in greater degrees of personal worthiness and wholeness – i.e., learning to love yourself in a healthy way so that you are not needy and searching for love and validation from a man.

A common girl or a slave, however, would rather not go through this process because it can be uncomfortable.  It’s much easier to run from her emotions, stay busy and overwhelmed, allow loneliness and a strong need for male attention to drive her.  So instead of taking the time to receive healing and revelation, she gets on Netflix, scrolls thru her social media accounts, hangs out drinking with friends and getting entangled in meaningless encounters with men in an attempt to alleviate pain and receive male attention.  By doing this, she creates more damage to her soul and perpetuates the same patterns and will attract men that mean her no good.

As Queens who have now received healing and revelation, we embark on a new season.  Every time healing and revelation is received, a new season is always inevitable because once you heal, learn and grow, you are never again the same person you were before the break-up.  IT’s on to a new season and a new you!

Queenly Principle #3 – Reign & Rule in Life

Scripture Focus: Romans 5:17 – For if by one man’s offense death reigned by one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness shall REIGN in life by One, Jesus Christ.

Rulership means ownership.   We must own our lives — the good the bad the ugly, even things that happened beyond our control, stuff caused by other people, the devil, God whoever.  We must take FULL RESPONSIBILITY. We can’t say we are Queens and walk in kingdom dominion and authority but reject certain parts of our lives because it wasn’t our fault or beyond our control.  To have dominion means to take responsibility and OWN all of it.  Once you own something you are now in a position to CHANGE It with God.  He won’t change it until you take the steps to stop blaming, making excuses, feeling sorry.  He wants us to rise up and own our own lives!

Breaking up is not easy, but if you don’t take the time to heal right, you will rebound into another relationship.  Take your time — rest, receive, reign and rule in order to be ready for the relationship that is worthy of you.