The Three Kinds of Couples + LoveRESET Masterclass


Greetings Dear Subscriber!

I was thinking the other day.

How often we log into Instagram and Facebook and see the beautiful couple pics – holding hands, at a nice restaurant, with the kids, after church, someplace outside with a gorgeous background…

You know which ones I am talking about – the perfect looking married or dating couple with the perfect pics. Some have lots of emoji’s & mushy language.  Sometimes there are others with lots of TMI and oversharing!

But follow them home.  Things may not be as rosy in the real life as it appears to be in their offline life. Honestly, the ones who share too much, are more of a red flag because it appears that they are relationally insecure.  Why? Those who overshare need the outside validity that they are okay and that their relationship is okay.

There are three types of Couples:

The Cute Couple: The #Instacouple with perfectly curated, captured and posed “relfies” (relationship selfies). The validity of their relationship ebbs and falls based on number of likes & comments on social media. They are too busy adjusting the filter and coming up with the right #hashtag instead of working on their relationship. Instead of being in the moment of these carefully curated and crafted pictures, they are too busy posing and posting to be truly PRESENT in the relationship.  When the pics are done, they may not even be really speaking to or engaging with each other at all.  They are image and Instagram conscious, not internally conscious.

The Couple of Convenience: These are the couples who are together because of shared history — NOT shared vision, purpose, goals and dreams.  They may have lost or never had a truly deep emotional and spiritual connection.  They are together for materials, religious, and financial reasons.  The other person makes their life easier and they are “good enough”.  They are settling. They stay with the other person because of a perceived lack if they were not there – not because the other person actually ADDS to their life.

The Called Couple: These are the couples who are mutually aligned in purpose and who are each other’s equal on multiple dimensions (not JUST spiritually equally yoked).  Individually, each one comes to the relationship table already full (not thirsty), living fruitful lives and are emotionally ready for a real relationship. These are the ones who see their relationship as more than just about them, but for a higher purpose.  These are the ones committed to personal growth individually as well as a couple.

Which couple are you? If you are in a CALLED relationship, many blessings and let me know!  What are you doing to maintain at that high level?  If you are not in a relationship, where have found yourself in previous relationships and what are you doing NOW to be ready for the level of maturity that being in a CALLED relationship requires?

To learn more about these couples — Watch the video I created on this very topic (click here for the link) –

If you are not in a relationship and desire to be ready for a CALLED kind of Love, come be a part of a series of FREE Live Closed Mentorship sessions with me at  I’m transitioning to a higher level of conversation about love for those who are ready to join me on this journey.  If you have cut the ties, done the work and are actively taking steps to walk in purpose, come check it out.  It’s totally free. Walk with me!

Love Tonika

Love Is Not A Tingly Feeling.

Neither is it butterflies and goosebumps. Nor is it rainbows, fairy dust and hearts. It is not the overly perfect notions that we as Christians sometimes tend to portray on social media either.

Check out the typical Protestant wedding vows:

I, (your first name) take thee, (insert the name of your significant other), to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge myself to you.”

For those of you are single, are you really ready for what you are praying for?

For those of you who are married or who have been married in the past were there not many moments marriage where the tingly feelings disappeared and you had to love your spouse and show up and do what was right in spite of your feelings (or lack thereof)?

For better – when the money is right, the kids act right, everything is peaches and cream, the sex is good, all is well on the job, in the church, in the business, you are looking and feeling your best, all is well with the extended family…or

For worse – when the bank account is overdrawn, you are looking for change at the bottom of your purse and laying around the house, the kids have been acting up in school and not turning in homework, co-workers acting crazy, boss acting crazy, no one is purchasing your services in your side business, no one is liking your social media pics, your husband has gone into his cave and refuses to talk, lovemaking is dry and on top of that you feel sick and worn out.

You get the picture.

As I wrap up this final post in the “God Is Love, Let Him Lead / Let God Lead” Series, my heart is to educate, inform and inspire those connected to me so that we are truly rooted, in reality and ready for the demands of the Kingdom marriage and love that we so deeply crave.

That means we must do all that we can to be connected to the source of true love which is God.  God is Spirit and Truth.  And God is Love. Being rooted, grounded, fixed and founded in the love of God for yourself FIRST is crucial and foundational for you to have the capacity to love another human being full of flaws, issues, personality differences, ways, habits and their own unique set of baggage. It requires walking in truth – not fantasy or not being real.

If I can’t receive the love of God for myself and my own set of issues, how can I be fully present and in position to love a man for better or for worse, for richer or poorer in sickness and in health until death?

If you have listened to me teach for any length of time on social media, you know the relationship equation.


The only thing I can control in this equation is ME.

There can be no healthy WE, until I first deal with ME.

Let’s focus on healing and ordering our lives by letting God lead us into love.  Let God Love us.  Let God Lead Us.  God IS Love.  Let Him Lead!

Lastly, if you have not yet registered for the Let Him Lead Webinar – Intimate Conversation with Dr. Rita on her courtship and engagement journey on THIS THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22 AT 9PM EST…you really can’t afford to miss this in light of this discussion, especially if you claim to want to be married in the future.  Sign up here to register and be sure to click all the way through and confirm everything.

Look forward to seeing you on Thursday!!!


Matters Of The Heart: It’s Not Your Place To Chase

Matters of the Heart 101 for my sisters: It is not Your place to chase. Let God Lead.

Chasing is not a good look.

When we chase someone who 1) Doesn’t want to be caught; 2) Is not really the right one for us and 3) who is not proactively in pursuit of us, we place our hearts in a very vulnerable position.

Let’s define chase: To pursue in order to catch or catch up with; an act of pursuing someone or something; to hunt

As Daughters of God, we are to never, ever place ourselves or even appear to be in a position of chasing a man. Neither are we to be in the mode or style of being desperate for love and a relationship. There is a clear distinction between being open and friendly versus altogether driving the relationship, making thing happen, doing all the planning, manipulating and controlling through subtle and not so subtle chasing.

Gary Thomas in his book, The Sacred Search states, “You are already perfectly loved [by God] and looking for someone who can help you grow in and share that love – that is security. Christians should NEVER be defined by the word desperate. We are well loved, well cared for adored by the one who knows us best and secure in his acceptance, love affirmation and purpose.”

If you are not feeling accepted in God’s love, affirmation and purpose, you will try to seek it by chasing for love in a relationship.

Anytime you find yourself sweating over text messages, blowing up his phone with a bunch of messages, pining away waiting hours for the next text, DM, inbox, phone call, snap chat (whatever new hot technology you are using), it is evidence that you are not in a state of rest and allowing, but rather in a state of anxiety and worry.

Chasing shows up in many ways from being very needy for validation, to be seen, to be noticed and to feel wanted from opposite sex. Often chasing and attention seeking creates confusion. Sometimes as women we tend to confuse attention with love. Just because someone gives you attention (as a result of your pursuit, chasing or subtle manipulations) doesn’t mean that it is love.

Chasing is also very prevalent in social media with pictures, and so forth. How many sisters are out there posting pictures for a certain, particular individual to notice them and “like” or “love” their picture? How many countless selfies are posted daily in the hopes of getting some type of validation or attention from certain people? We must be careful as this presents a certain image and a certain style. What are we projecting when we are showing up as needing attention and chasing? How does this impact your image as a woman of God?

Chasing also looks like proving and performing for love by doing things to prove that you are good wife material. It can come across as a striving style or spirit where you are doing things out of motivation to be married or to be chosen out of neediness to be good enough instead of from the heart.

For your relationships to flow, it is very critical that we learn to walk in the anointing of ease. This means allowing things to unfold naturally in the course of time. This involves enjoying your life, resting in God and allowing him to lead the process. It is an opportunity to practice utilizing wisdom and observation by the Spirit of God instead of allowing your emotions and feelings to lead the way.

When we start chasing a man for love, it is evidence that we have already mismanaged our emotions and let our feelings get ahead of ourselves.

As women, we often allow our romantic, emotional notions to take control before we really engage our minds and logical thinking. By allowing things to flow naturally, we exercise greater emotional mastery which gives us a better position to make a wise choice.

Let go of any attention seeking, chasing behaviors that could place your heart and your body in a vulnerable and compromising position. Learn to rest authentically in who you are as a woman without seeking attention and love for the wrong reasons.

Remember first of all that you are the prize. Always.

Remember that you are deeply cared for and loved. Always.

Remember that You Are The One. Always

Let Love Lead. Always!

If you start chasing, then prepare to bear the responsibility of leading and chasing the whole time. Start out like you plan to hold out. Register today for the Let Him Lead Free Webinar with Dr. Rita !

#OrdainedAndSustained #NoChasing #relationships #love #relationshipgoals #godlydating #reallove #maturelove #WorthTheWait #LetHimLead