Are You In Love, In Need or In Lust? #LetHimLead #LoveNotLust #WhenYouLetGodPickEm

God is Love. Let Him Lead Your Relationships #LetHimLead #LoveNotLust #WhenYouLetGodPickEm

(be sure to go to to watch video on this teaching)

That time of year again….

  • Hearts & Cupids
  • Roses & Chocolates
  • Restaurants are advertising romantic course dinners for two
  • Store shelves stocked with flowers, cards and candy for kiddie classroom valentines.
  • Lingerie sales go up.
  • Facebook relationship status changes.
  • The List goes on…

It creates a longing and a sense of something being missing for singles and for those who are coupled up, it can bring joy or it can bring despair depending on what’s going on. Valentines day is a mixed bag!

It is supposed to be about real love, but the question begs to be asked what is real love? Glad you asked, but for starters let’s talk about what love is not:

#1. Love is not Infatuation. The Emotional Impulse of Love UNTESTED by TIME OR CIRCUMSTANCE.

It is also known in psychological terms as a form of mania right along with Bi-polar, borderline and other mental disorders. Why? Most individuals experience the mania of infatuation as part of the first step in dating and sexual attraction. According to George Morelli, For some, however, infatuation becomes the dominant emotion controlling their lives. Mania, as with all emotional dysfunction, can result in behavioral, interpersonal, social and spiritual damage.

The mania known as infatuation is the noun derived from the verb to infatuate, which means:

  • to cause to be foolish
  • to be deprived of sound judgment
  • to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration

The word infatuate originates from the Latin word infatuatus, the past participle of infatuare, from in- and fatuus. Fatuus means foolish, idiotic or silly. Same as infant or infantile – immature, young.

Symptoms of infatuation include: Persistent thoughts about person all the time, day night, fixated. Fantasy like thoughts, anxious ruminations, emotional turbulence, up and down, fretting about relationship, glossing over negative traits, huge expenditure of emotion that could be wasted if not reciprocated, blinds to reality, on a pedestal, shadow of love.

From my personal perspective, I believe God created infatuation as a way for people to be attracted to each and to come together. However, I also believe that he does not intend for us to live like this or hop from one relationship to the next looking for the next euphoric, romantic high. I believe that all realtionships will pass thru a degree of infatuation but depending on how grounded and mature the two people involved are, will be the degree and extent of how long it lasts and whether or not they have the capacity to be objective and use wisdom.

Other key signs of infatuation:

  • Fall into it suddenly
  • Deepens little with time
  • Wants sex now
  • Up and down emotionally
  • In love with love
  • Fickle
  • Can’t eat or sleep
  • Hostile break-up at the slightest irritations
  • Emphasizes beauty
  • Gets
  • Based on my feelings
  • Self-centered
  • Shows emotion
  • Physical
  • Expects to find happiness
  • Asks “How am I doing?”
  • Focuses on the performance of the other person
  • May feel this way toward more than one person
  • Possessive
  • May be based on few contacts (only person you’ve dated)
  • Has an idealized Image of the other person
  • Avoids problems

Again, God did not intend for us to stay like this. Especially if we claim to be growing and mature believers. We are not to:

  • to state in the emotionally immature state of infatuation forever,
  • keep getting infatuated over and over again with different people all the time
  • Falling “in and out of love” all the time

Be aware of the fact that infatuation is energy sapping in the long run. Love is revitalizing and energizing and is long lasting; Love endures.

God wants us to be about His purposes within the contexts of our relationships and marriages. He doesn’t want us emotionally burned out and forever immature.

#2. Love is not Lust or Neediness

For the sake of clarity, let’s define lust.

Lust is a physical emotion and reaction to someone else’s physical appearance. It’s when you’re sexually attracted to a person. There is something in their bearing, physique that attracts you and you do not know them. It cannot be love. True love is based on a deep knowledge of the good, the bad and the ugly about someone and is unconditional. Lust is purely based on what you see and the hormonal reaction that happens in your body in response. Lust tends to be short-lived and is more about immediate gratification.

I also like this definition found on biblebelievingchristians.blogpost: “The main difference between lust and love is that love is a selfless concern for another person, where lust is totally self-focused. Lust is a wholehearted craving and belief in a lie that Satan has crafted. The lie varies with the situation and the person being tempted. Lust says, “If you do this thing, you will be satisfied deeply,” when the truth is that doing the thing will only lead to more hunger for whatever is to be consumed. Lust keeps growing in the person who feeds it. Love is patient, while lust requires immediate satisfaction. Love is kind, while lust is harsh. Love does not demand its own way, while lust does. Indeed, lust is the exact opposite of love.

I think you get the picture about lust. Let’s look at being needy. Sometimes are seek after relationships because we are in need:

  1. Of validation that we are good enough or loveable
  2. Of acceptance.
  3. To be noticed.
  4. Of attention from the opposite sex.
  5. To feel wanted
  6. To feel good about ourselves
  7. Of security because we are so insecure.
  8. To have somebody just to have somebody.
  9. To avoid feeling lonely.
  10. To show that we are good wifey material or that we could be a good husband because we were rejected in the past.
  11. Because we want sexual satisfication (Lust)


God is Love and Love is God.

And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has in us. God is love, and the one who resides in love resides in God, and God resides in him There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears punishment has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he loved us first. 1 John 4: 16 & 18.

Secondly, we know that the greatest gift of all is the gift of love.

1 Corinthians 13 – the great love chapter

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but I do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away everything I own, and if I give over my body in order to boast, but do not have love, I receive no benefit.

TRANSLATION: (you can be the smartest, wear the best clothes, the best business, the biggest ministry, the authored dozens of best selling boosk, beautiful spouse and children, and home and cars the most follwoers, likes, hearts, shares, operate in five fold ministry and all of the divine 9 of the spiritual gifts –

But if you can’t love and your heart is cold and hard and distant and you haven’t really received the love of God yourself, it means nothing.

Let’s look real quick at how genuine love looks in relationship:


  • Grows with time; Always deepening
  • Willing to wait for sex
  • Consistent
  • In love with a person
  • Faithful
  • Has proper perspective
  • Does not panic when problems arise
  • Emphasizes character
  • Gives
  • Based on other’s needs
  • Self-controlled
  • Shows devotion
  • Spiritual
  • Expects to work at happiness
  • Asks “How are you doing?”
  • Provides unconditional acceptance of the other person
  • Feels this way toward one and only one
  • Allows the other person to relate to others
  • Based on many contacts (dated many others)
  • Has a realistic view of the other person’s strengths and weaknesses
  • Works through problems

God IS love and He cannot be reduced to a mere emotion or transient feeling. Love is an intentional, sacrificial decision to love someone in spite of their faults and all in full maturity and knowledge of who they are when the butterfly feelings and the attraction dies down.

How do you know if you really love someone and are not in the mania of infatuation?

  1. The test of knowledge. The test of knowledge. Love grows out of an appraisal of all the known characteristics of the other person. How well do you expect to know the person you have all of these feelings for? A key component of infatuation is feeling that you know all you need right now about this person or that you just KNOW them FOREVER! (but it has only been 2 dates and talking all night on the phone)
  2. The test of focus. Are you focusing more on what they can do/be for you instead of what you bring to the table for them? Infatuated is very self-focused on how that person makes YOU feel.

Let’s continue to look at 1 Cor. 13:

4 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. 6 It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I have been checked on my love walk. What is the status of your love walk. I can’t get out here and say one thing and act another. God will show me myself.

God will let you meet and see yourself and sometimes it IS NOT PRETTY!!

A true litmus test if you are ready for the demands of a real relationship is how you act now when you are under pressure, stress and going thru stuff. The time to deal with your inconsistencies and issues is right now. Whatever emotional and mental struggles you have, a relationship will expose it.

It’s far better to be exposed between you and God first than get another person in the mix and create further harm and damage. IJS.

Also, pride, envy and jealousy have no place in real love. If I am struggling now in these areas, then marriage will only intensifty it.

The key to really loving is in letting down our walls, humbling ourselves, and being willing to submit to God’s love, receive it humbly and allow him to work in our hearts.

This is how we truly let Love, i.e., let God lead. He has to be leading us first before we connect in romantic love to anyone else.

8 Love never ends.. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Lust always ends. Infatuation always fades away. But Love never fails. – God is LOVE. LET HIM LEAD.

If you have no relationship with God or if you distance yourself from God or if you keep things very surface with God — you can’t know how to love on a deeper level, even to love yourself.

Therefore, instead of love (God) leading, you will lead in your feelings, in lust or in your own plans/thoughts. GOD IS LOVE. LET HIM LEAD!

Developing a relationship with God will mature your love for him, yourself and for other people. Letting God lead you now will make it easier to walk in love later in a marriage.

The more mature your love walk is, the more fear is driven out. Fear, jealously, neediness, unworthiness, have no place in mature love or a mature relationship. The more this stuff is dealt when we let God lead us now, the better position we are in when we meet the right person. Use the season of singlehood to learn that God is love and to Let Him lead you right now.

When we walk in love, we don’t have to be needy or lustful out of fear of not having our needs met. We don’t have to allow the mania of infatuation to take over sound wisdom and common sense. We don’t put the other person on a pedestal because we are infatuated. We love in truth — God is spirit and they who worship him must worship Him in spirit and in truth. He is the Spirit of Truth. And if that is the case, then we can’t stay in an infatuated state forever. Truth requires maturity and the ability to love someone for who they are and not based on how they make us feel.

God is love, Let Him Lead!

To learn more about my coaching and products to help you have healthy relationships go to **Also don’t forget to register for the FREE Let Him Lead webinar with Dr. Rita at


Relationship Laws for Ladies Who Love God

1. I am rooted, grounded, fixed and founded in the Love of God, not a position, title, having “Mrs.” in front of my name, not money, my looks, being cute, being smart or being seen.

2. I respect myself enough to lay boundaries in all relationships personally and professionally.

3. I am complete and whole in God; therefore I do not need outside validation or vindication from a man to see how wonderful I am, what a great and lovely lady I am, or what good wife potential I am. I already know that I am all these things. I don’t have to compromise myself or be in a jacked up relationship to prove it.

4. I am a very wise, honest, faithful person of integrity. I am loving and kind. I am wise enough to now realize that not everyone is like me; therefore I exercise sound judgment, wisdom and boundaries in my daily life, especially when it comes to men. I no longer naively assume that just because a man proclaims to be a Christian, a minister, a pastor, etc. that it means he has good intentions or is true. I realize that because a man can speak “Christianese”, knows the Bible, can pray and preach does not mean he is “THE ONE”. He still got to past the basic character tests of honesty and reliability. I know people by their fruit not by what they say.

5. I attract creative, exciting, supportive, positive, godly, faithful, visionary, smart and wonderful people, both males and females in my life. I can now be friends with a man without thinking “IS HE THE ONE?” I can enjoy male friendship without the foolishness of weird feelings and questionings. I can just be my best self and let God lead, guide and order my relationships. I have a full and abundant life.

6. I attract emotionally, mentally and spiritually whole people in my life now. I have no need to have unhealthy, sick malfunctioning men in order to prove anything or to be their Savior. I am not responsible for their burdens, sins, issues, and brokenness and healing. That is between them and Jesus. I will NOT relax my boundaries to accommodate their issues, thus damming up my own healing and blessings. Because I am fixed, helped and healed by Jesus, I no longer have the need to fix, help or heal a man. I am now complete in Christ and know who I am, a Daughter of the King, living in His courts and will not go beneath my place of being seated in heavenly places to roll around in the pig pen to help someone and get my own self dirty and hurt. I no longer need to fix someone else to validate my self-worth and value as a good woman. I know I am good.

7. I live very gracefully, very poised, very well pulled together and am continuously working towards improvement and order. I will no longer tolerate chaotic individuals, with lots of mess and unresolved issues operating that will spill over into my life. Thus I maintain a higher level of peace and order in my life.

8. I attract whole men who I would compliment and who would compliment me. We are icing on each other’s cakes, not two half baked cakes, falling apart attempting to come together, making a bigger mess. I am a Whole Loaf. Therefore I will not scrape around begging, looking and expecting for crumbs from a man, or live off past stale crumbs. I no longer attract crumby men. I attract Whole Loaf Men.

9. I make note of and pay attention to ANY AND ALL, EVERY LAST SIGN OF ANYTHING THAT IS A TRUE RED FLAG in relationships. I can give people the benefit of the doubt, but I now am more sensitive and quickly take heed to warning signs and signals, because I have learned to trust myself. I have learned that if I am praying in the Spirit, staying in the Word of God, trusting Him to lead me that He is indeed truly doing that and I can truly trust that warning or check in my spirit. I only have close relationships with people whose walk equals their talk and whose words and actions match. If I see otherwise, I leave them alone.

10. I stay away from anyone who would attempt to cause me to compromise myself or values in any way, shape form or fashion. I flee from any individual or circumstance that conflicts with:
a. Godly laws, principles, values and morals, including sex before marriage
b. Common Sense and Wisdom
c. Cause immediate harm and damage
d. Cause emotional, mental, spiritual pain, anxiety, torment or turmoil
e. Compromise the call and purpose of God for my life

11. I stay in fellowship and accountable to people who I know truly love and care about me and who will tell me the truth. I walk in reality and not fantasy. I am able to distinguish and discern truth. I immerse myself in the Word of God; I stay in tune with the Holy Spirit who is also known as the Spirit of Truth. I heed wise counsel, realizing that I do not know it all. I heed wise counsel even if it hurts my feelings and makes me mad at first. This means I stay humble.

12. I refuse to allow myself to be self-deceived in the name of Jesus because I am too proud, ashamed or embarrassed to face the truth about any situation. I no longer have to isolate myself in shame or embarrassment. I have nothing to hide anymore. I can live again.

13. I have no need to get in a man’s head, obsessing, analyzing, over thinking, and immersing myself in his world, trying to figure him out. It does not take all that. If it does, something is wrong.

14. I work for myself first. This means that I allow God to work in me and through me to #1, heal and restore me FIRST, then others. My work blesses ME FIRST, then others. This means that I will utilize the gifts and talents I have for God to benefit myself and others in a Healthy and Balanced way. This means that I will not allow myself to be used by someone in the name of fixing/helping/healing/proving/validating and following a fantasy and still left with nothing to benefit me. I am discreet and cautious and wise about giving of myself, time, talents and money to anyone not in my immediate family, but especially to a man without the true commitment.

15. I end relationships immediately when I can clearly see that it is not working. I learn the lesson and LET IT GO.

Do You Have a “Head” Knowledge or A “Heart” Knowledge of Christ?


There is a difference between knowing about something or someone in your head and actually knowing in your heart.  You can mentally believe in a concept, an idea, or a person.  You can verbalize with your mouth that you believe it to be true.  But the real indicator, the litmus test of your belief can only be seen in your day-to-day actions and in your life.

Many of us profess to know Christ, in actuality do not really know Him.  We claim to believe in Him, but our lifestyles, our choices and our resulting consequences indicate otherwise.  Having a “head” knowledge of God, does not equate to having a relationship with Him.  To really know Him is to love Him.  To really know Him is to spend time with Him.

A relationship with Christ has similar components to a relationship with a fellow human being.  Relationship is the key to hearing from Him — to actually hear Him speak and respond to us personally.  The more we spend time with Him, the more we will be able to hear and know His voice.  The inverse is also true.  The less time we spend with Him, the less likely we are to receive from Him.

It is similar to someone who you have tried to reach out to, but who never answers, who never returns your calls or text messages.  You are actively seeking the person out, but they do not respond.  So after a while, you back you off.  Then all of a sudden, here they come wanting to talk and have deep conversation about what’s going on in their lives and inevitably it comes around to the real reason for the call — what they want from you.

However, because they ignored you when you reached out and didn’t seem to be interested in you  at the time you were interested, you are less inclined to “hear” what they have to say, much less do what they asked of you.   You have somewhat distanced yourself for you realize that this person really doesn’t want to get to know you personally.  They have their own selfish agenda operating.   You realize that if you gave them what they wanted it would not be good for you and that the person is really just using you.

Imagine if someone you know intimately, someone with whom you have spent quality time with and who really knows your heart, asks to borrow a hundred dollars.  There is no question about it.  If you have it, the answer is yes.  On the other hand, if someone you barely know, who is an acquaintance that you see only in passing, and who barely speaks to you, asked to borrow money with intense promises of paying it back, would you be so willing with this person as you were with the person who knows your heart? It sounds crazy, but sadly this is how head knowledge Christians treat God when they want something.

It is very interesting to note how we all of a sudden need to hear a “word from the Lord” and expect Him to answer when we haven’t bothered to crack open the Bible or spend time in prayer or worship.  Yet God, rich in mercy still keeps our hearts beating and our lungs breathing air.  He keeps trying to reach out to us in a soft voice and sometimes loudly through our circumstances and other people.

God knows us “head knowledge children” from a distance.  He sees us coming, but He does not really “know” us.  Often we have the audacity to ask from Him and actually expect Him to move when we don’t even really talk to Him that much.   How must this feel to Him after all He has done for us?  How often have we grieved the Spirit with such behavior? Then we wonder why He doesn’t hear us and our prayers don’t get answered.

For us to move from having a “head” knowledge of God to a real relationship at the heart level, we must humble ourselves.  This means coming to the end of ourselves and realizing that we do not know what we are doing and that without Him we are a mess.  It means submitting our will, our ideas, desires and plans to Him as our Creator and Savior.  In Psalm 138:6 (AMP), we read, “for though the Lord is high, yet has He respect to the lowly [bringing them into fellowship with Him]; but the proud and haughty He knows and recognizes [only] at a distance.”  We want Him to come closer to us and not keep us at a distance.

Secondly, because we have humbled ourselves and He has drawn closer to us, we are now in a position to actually hear Him when he speaks.  Before we were at a distance in our pride and self-sufficiency, but because we have humbled ourselves, He came close enough for us to hear Him.  We are his sheep, His children and as He comes closer we find that we do indeed know the voice of our Savior as shown in John 10: 3-5 (NET) ….”and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name…he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice. And a stranger they will not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers”.  The more we know His voice, the less inclined we are to run after other worldly voices that lead us astray.

Lastly, as we humble ourselves, get closer to Him, and learn to hear His voice, we find that we are learning more and more about Him.  We can clearly see Him at work in our lives up close and personal.  It has now turned into an intimate relationship where we really and truly know Him and He knows us.  We are not some distant stranger only showing up to get something from Him.  We are his beloved children that He knows very well and is more than happy to take care of us.  Not only that, we are walking with Him in the Spirit of Truth and no longer walk in the error so common with those who only have head knowledge as written in 1 John 4: 5 (AMP):

We are [children] of God. Whoever is learning to know God [progressively to perceive, recognize, and understand God by observation and experience, and to get an ever-clearer knowledge of Him] listens to us; and he who is not of God does not listen….By this we know (recognize) the Spirit of Truth and the spirit of error.

We act as if it is difficult to be in a relationship with the One Who created us, but the problem is not Him, it is us.  We tend to be close to people that we spend time with, talk to and share with.  We tend to be far from people that we do not know, do not spend time with and do not talk to.  We did not get this way by accident, but by the design of our Creator. We were created to live life within the context of relationships.  If we are like this with humans, it stands to reason that we are created to function like this with our Creator.  To move from a “head” knowledge of God to actually knowing Him in your heart is simply a matter of working on your relationship with Him.  At the end of the day, it really and truly is all about the relationship.  It is about having a fruitful and meaningful relationship with Him that brings us fulfillment and brings Him glory – “when you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant…” John 15: 5-8 (MSG).