Relationship Laws for Ladies Who Love God

1. I am rooted, grounded, fixed and founded in the Love of God, not a position, title, having “Mrs.” in front of my name, not money, my looks, being cute, being smart or being seen.

2. I respect myself enough to lay boundaries in all relationships personally and professionally.

3. I am complete and whole in God; therefore I do not need outside validation or vindication from a man to see how wonderful I am, what a great and lovely lady I am, or what good wife potential I am. I already know that I am all these things. I don’t have to compromise myself or be in a jacked up relationship to prove it.

4. I am a very wise, honest, faithful person of integrity. I am loving and kind. I am wise enough to now realize that not everyone is like me; therefore I exercise sound judgment, wisdom and boundaries in my daily life, especially when it comes to men. I no longer naively assume that just because a man proclaims to be a Christian, a minister, a pastor, etc. that it means he has good intentions or is true. I realize that because a man can speak “Christianese”, knows the Bible, can pray and preach does not mean he is “THE ONE”. He still got to past the basic character tests of honesty and reliability. I know people by their fruit not by what they say.

5. I attract creative, exciting, supportive, positive, godly, faithful, visionary, smart and wonderful people, both males and females in my life. I can now be friends with a man without thinking “IS HE THE ONE?” I can enjoy male friendship without the foolishness of weird feelings and questionings. I can just be my best self and let God lead, guide and order my relationships. I have a full and abundant life.

6. I attract emotionally, mentally and spiritually whole people in my life now. I have no need to have unhealthy, sick malfunctioning men in order to prove anything or to be their Savior. I am not responsible for their burdens, sins, issues, and brokenness and healing. That is between them and Jesus. I will NOT relax my boundaries to accommodate their issues, thus damming up my own healing and blessings. Because I am fixed, helped and healed by Jesus, I no longer have the need to fix, help or heal a man. I am now complete in Christ and know who I am, a Daughter of the King, living in His courts and will not go beneath my place of being seated in heavenly places to roll around in the pig pen to help someone and get my own self dirty and hurt. I no longer need to fix someone else to validate my self-worth and value as a good woman. I know I am good.

7. I live very gracefully, very poised, very well pulled together and am continuously working towards improvement and order. I will no longer tolerate chaotic individuals, with lots of mess and unresolved issues operating that will spill over into my life. Thus I maintain a higher level of peace and order in my life.

8. I attract whole men who I would compliment and who would compliment me. We are icing on each other’s cakes, not two half baked cakes, falling apart attempting to come together, making a bigger mess. I am a Whole Loaf. Therefore I will not scrape around begging, looking and expecting for crumbs from a man, or live off past stale crumbs. I no longer attract crumby men. I attract Whole Loaf Men.

9. I make note of and pay attention to ANY AND ALL, EVERY LAST SIGN OF ANYTHING THAT IS A TRUE RED FLAG in relationships. I can give people the benefit of the doubt, but I now am more sensitive and quickly take heed to warning signs and signals, because I have learned to trust myself. I have learned that if I am praying in the Spirit, staying in the Word of God, trusting Him to lead me that He is indeed truly doing that and I can truly trust that warning or check in my spirit. I only have close relationships with people whose walk equals their talk and whose words and actions match. If I see otherwise, I leave them alone.

10. I stay away from anyone who would attempt to cause me to compromise myself or values in any way, shape form or fashion. I flee from any individual or circumstance that conflicts with:
a. Godly laws, principles, values and morals, including sex before marriage
b. Common Sense and Wisdom
c. Cause immediate harm and damage
d. Cause emotional, mental, spiritual pain, anxiety, torment or turmoil
e. Compromise the call and purpose of God for my life

11. I stay in fellowship and accountable to people who I know truly love and care about me and who will tell me the truth. I walk in reality and not fantasy. I am able to distinguish and discern truth. I immerse myself in the Word of God; I stay in tune with the Holy Spirit who is also known as the Spirit of Truth. I heed wise counsel, realizing that I do not know it all. I heed wise counsel even if it hurts my feelings and makes me mad at first. This means I stay humble.

12. I refuse to allow myself to be self-deceived in the name of Jesus because I am too proud, ashamed or embarrassed to face the truth about any situation. I no longer have to isolate myself in shame or embarrassment. I have nothing to hide anymore. I can live again.

13. I have no need to get in a man’s head, obsessing, analyzing, over thinking, and immersing myself in his world, trying to figure him out. It does not take all that. If it does, something is wrong.

14. I work for myself first. This means that I allow God to work in me and through me to #1, heal and restore me FIRST, then others. My work blesses ME FIRST, then others. This means that I will utilize the gifts and talents I have for God to benefit myself and others in a Healthy and Balanced way. This means that I will not allow myself to be used by someone in the name of fixing/helping/healing/proving/validating and following a fantasy and still left with nothing to benefit me. I am discreet and cautious and wise about giving of myself, time, talents and money to anyone not in my immediate family, but especially to a man without the true commitment.

15. I end relationships immediately when I can clearly see that it is not working. I learn the lesson and LET IT GO.


Do You Have a “Head” Knowledge or A “Heart” Knowledge of Christ?


There is a difference between knowing about something or someone in your head and actually knowing in your heart.  You can mentally believe in a concept, an idea, or a person.  You can verbalize with your mouth that you believe it to be true.  But the real indicator, the litmus test of your belief can only be seen in your day-to-day actions and in your life.

Many of us profess to know Christ, in actuality do not really know Him.  We claim to believe in Him, but our lifestyles, our choices and our resulting consequences indicate otherwise.  Having a “head” knowledge of God, does not equate to having a relationship with Him.  To really know Him is to love Him.  To really know Him is to spend time with Him.

A relationship with Christ has similar components to a relationship with a fellow human being.  Relationship is the key to hearing from Him — to actually hear Him speak and respond to us personally.  The more we spend time with Him, the more we will be able to hear and know His voice.  The inverse is also true.  The less time we spend with Him, the less likely we are to receive from Him.

It is similar to someone who you have tried to reach out to, but who never answers, who never returns your calls or text messages.  You are actively seeking the person out, but they do not respond.  So after a while, you back you off.  Then all of a sudden, here they come wanting to talk and have deep conversation about what’s going on in their lives and inevitably it comes around to the real reason for the call — what they want from you.

However, because they ignored you when you reached out and didn’t seem to be interested in you  at the time you were interested, you are less inclined to “hear” what they have to say, much less do what they asked of you.   You have somewhat distanced yourself for you realize that this person really doesn’t want to get to know you personally.  They have their own selfish agenda operating.   You realize that if you gave them what they wanted it would not be good for you and that the person is really just using you.

Imagine if someone you know intimately, someone with whom you have spent quality time with and who really knows your heart, asks to borrow a hundred dollars.  There is no question about it.  If you have it, the answer is yes.  On the other hand, if someone you barely know, who is an acquaintance that you see only in passing, and who barely speaks to you, asked to borrow money with intense promises of paying it back, would you be so willing with this person as you were with the person who knows your heart? It sounds crazy, but sadly this is how head knowledge Christians treat God when they want something.

It is very interesting to note how we all of a sudden need to hear a “word from the Lord” and expect Him to answer when we haven’t bothered to crack open the Bible or spend time in prayer or worship.  Yet God, rich in mercy still keeps our hearts beating and our lungs breathing air.  He keeps trying to reach out to us in a soft voice and sometimes loudly through our circumstances and other people.

God knows us “head knowledge children” from a distance.  He sees us coming, but He does not really “know” us.  Often we have the audacity to ask from Him and actually expect Him to move when we don’t even really talk to Him that much.   How must this feel to Him after all He has done for us?  How often have we grieved the Spirit with such behavior? Then we wonder why He doesn’t hear us and our prayers don’t get answered.

For us to move from having a “head” knowledge of God to a real relationship at the heart level, we must humble ourselves.  This means coming to the end of ourselves and realizing that we do not know what we are doing and that without Him we are a mess.  It means submitting our will, our ideas, desires and plans to Him as our Creator and Savior.  In Psalm 138:6 (AMP), we read, “for though the Lord is high, yet has He respect to the lowly [bringing them into fellowship with Him]; but the proud and haughty He knows and recognizes [only] at a distance.”  We want Him to come closer to us and not keep us at a distance.

Secondly, because we have humbled ourselves and He has drawn closer to us, we are now in a position to actually hear Him when he speaks.  Before we were at a distance in our pride and self-sufficiency, but because we have humbled ourselves, He came close enough for us to hear Him.  We are his sheep, His children and as He comes closer we find that we do indeed know the voice of our Savior as shown in John 10: 3-5 (NET) ….”and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name…he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice. And a stranger they will not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers”.  The more we know His voice, the less inclined we are to run after other worldly voices that lead us astray.

Lastly, as we humble ourselves, get closer to Him, and learn to hear His voice, we find that we are learning more and more about Him.  We can clearly see Him at work in our lives up close and personal.  It has now turned into an intimate relationship where we really and truly know Him and He knows us.  We are not some distant stranger only showing up to get something from Him.  We are his beloved children that He knows very well and is more than happy to take care of us.  Not only that, we are walking with Him in the Spirit of Truth and no longer walk in the error so common with those who only have head knowledge as written in 1 John 4: 5 (AMP):

We are [children] of God. Whoever is learning to know God [progressively to perceive, recognize, and understand God by observation and experience, and to get an ever-clearer knowledge of Him] listens to us; and he who is not of God does not listen….By this we know (recognize) the Spirit of Truth and the spirit of error.

We act as if it is difficult to be in a relationship with the One Who created us, but the problem is not Him, it is us.  We tend to be close to people that we spend time with, talk to and share with.  We tend to be far from people that we do not know, do not spend time with and do not talk to.  We did not get this way by accident, but by the design of our Creator. We were created to live life within the context of relationships.  If we are like this with humans, it stands to reason that we are created to function like this with our Creator.  To move from a “head” knowledge of God to actually knowing Him in your heart is simply a matter of working on your relationship with Him.  At the end of the day, it really and truly is all about the relationship.  It is about having a fruitful and meaningful relationship with Him that brings us fulfillment and brings Him glory – “when you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant…” John 15: 5-8 (MSG).

Regroup, Redefine, Recalibrate & Recover! The 4 Things You Must Do to Keep Moving Forward


Are you feeling scattered, unguarded, upset and unprepared as you close out this year? Did you learn anything from the hardships and circumstances in which you found yourself?  Was there anything done that could have been done differently?  Did you make the right decision?  What series of steps got you to this place right now?  What are you planning to do differently going forward and how in the world do you plan to do it?  To enter into the New Year with a fresh perspective and resolve, we must to do the following:


And David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself in the Lord his God. (I Samuel 30:6)

The word regroup is a military term which means to come back together in a tactical formation after dispersal in a retreat.  It also means to reorganize for renewed effort after a temporary setback.  In the scripture above, David and his troops came back home to Ziklag to find that the Amalekites had burned down the city and taken captive their wives, sons and daughters.  David and his men wept so badly that they did not have any tears left.  On top of that, his grief-stricken troops were thinking of stoning him to death.  Instead of getting swallowed up in the sea of grief, David chose to regroup by encouraging himself in the Lord.

Oftentimes in our lives, it is necessary to regroup after we have undergone a situation which caused us to scatter, use up and disperse our strength.  We find it necessary to regroup ourselves mentally, emotional and spiritually after we have taken a “hit” from the enemy so to speak.  If you have undergone several battles, obstacles, unforeseen events within this past year and have not taken the time to sit still before God and gather your spiritual and emotional strength, you will not be able to walk into the New Year with confident expectation, but rather you will walk into the New Year still scattered, unguarded and weak. Not only did David encourage himself in the Lord as part of his regrouping experience, but he went on to ask the Lord what he should do next.


And David inquired of the Lord, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? Shall I overtake them? And he answered him, Pursue: for thou shalt surely overtake them, and without fail recover all….

Prior to the Ziklag experience, David had just been told to leave the Philistines because they did not trust him to fight on their side.  They were afraid that because he was Hebrew and still a servant of King Saul that he would later defect and turn against them.  After he was told to leave the Philistines first thing in the morning, he goes to Ziklag and finds the city burned and his wives taken captive.  Undoubtedly, this must have been a very low point for him.  He was anointed to be King of Israel, but here he was running in the wilderness from King Saul.  He tried to work for the Philistines who just rejected him and now everything he has is burned up and his wives are gone.

For this great and mighty warrior to ask God whether or not he should pursue the enemy seems to be rather odd.  He must have struggled mightily within himself regarding his calling, his identity and whether or not God was really on his side and if he really was ever going to be king of anything other than the rag tag group of warriors who wanted to stone him. Just like King David, once we have taken the time to regroup ourselves, it is now time to redefine and get clear again on Whose We Are and Why We Are Here — our purpose.  Is your “Who” tied up and wrapped up in your “Do”?  In other words are you defining yourself based on your natural performance and what “they” think?  In this past year did you define yourself based on how others perceived/saw/said about you or did you define yourself based on what God said about You?  Did you define your purpose as something that you have to “DO” in life or did you define your purpose as a state of actually BEING the person God created you to be?

In spite of the bitter blows to his identity as a future King through the Philistine rejection, the wilderness wanderings and the burn down of Ziklag, the Lord still tells him to pursue. God had to let this battle-fatigued mighty Man of God, Warrior, Future King that yes indeed, he shall pursue.  Yes, indeed God was still with him. Yes indeed, he is still called and yes indeed, he is still anointed! His identity is not wrapped up in his current bleak circumstances.  It is not wrapped up in his title.  It is not wrapped up in his performance as a leader.  It is, however, wrapped up in Him who is the Head of all principalities and powers (Col 2:10).  David is God’s workmanship created by Him for preordained good works (Eph 2:10).  In God, David lives and moves and has all his of his being (Acts 17:28).   God Almighty is the author and finisher of David’s faith and David’s story, not the Philistines, not King Saul, nor the Amalekites (Heb 12:1).

Getting very clear on this is important because it will enable to you live your life intentionally and on purpose.  Redefining yourself according to God’s view and what He has placed in YOU will make it much easier for you to make decisions that line up God’s intention for your life.  Being fully confident in Who You Are and Whose You Are enables to you to design the life you want to live and you will not be caught up with every thought, idea, notion, plan, etc. that other people may thrust upon you.  You will not be easily swayed into the crowd mentality of what “they said” and what “they are doing”.   Living this way will help us to identify people and situations that cannot cross over with us into the next season.


So David went, he and the six hundred men that were with him, and came to the brook Besor, where those that were left behind stayed. But David pursued, he and four hundred men: for two hundred abode behind, which were so faint that they could not go over the brook Besor… (I Samuel 30: 10) Once the decision was made to pursue, David went full steam ahead with the plan, however, he had to make some major adjustments.  He had to let go of some folks who could not go over with him.  Instead of taking the original group of 600 troops, he took only 400 with him to recover all.  The remaining 200 soldiers were too weak to cross over. He regrouped himself emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  He received clarity and redefinition from God in Who He Was at a very low point in his life.  Now it is time to make the proper adjustments in order to recover from the setback.  Some of us may need to make minor, fine-tuned adjustments to get back on track.  However many of us may need to do a major overhaul.

The word recalibrate is derived from calibrate which means to adjust precisely for a particular function. To recalibrate something means calibrate it AGAIN because it has deviated from the standard.  That’s how it is in our lives.  We start off on the right track and then due to circumstances, other people, wrong thinking, fears, etc. we start deviating from the set standard — what we know God has put in our hearts to do.  We allow life to keep us from walking in our purpose.  We allow toxic people who weaken us into our lives.  We then come to the end of a year or the end of a season and realize that we are way off track.

God has a precise and accurate way that he desires for us to flow and function in our lives.  He uses His Word and the Holy Spirit to calibrate us to keep us on track. As we sit on the brink of a new season, we must take the time to reexamine everything in our lives including relationships, certain situations, commitments, etc., with a view to making the necessary adjustments.  What needs to be recalibrated going forward so that we can recover from what happened and move into the next season?  

The two main keys to recalibrating our lives is to: 1) realize that we cannot do it in our own strength (Read “Are You Striving Inside or Resting? You Must Be At Rest To Receive the Blessing!” here  and 2) constantly renew and transform our thinking (Read “Cancel That Chorus – How to Cancel the Chorus of Ungodly Thoughts at .  If we try to stay perfectly calibrated in our own strength and power, we will fail.  If we fail to immerse ourselves in the Word of God and deal with the negative thought patterns we will not change. We will not reach perfection, however we can make progress as we adjust and fine-tune our lives so that we stay in alignment with the purpose and direction that God has called us to.


David recovered all that the Amalekites had taken and rescued his two wives…Nothing was missing, small or great, sons or daughters, spoil or anything that had been taken; David recovered all….(I Samuel 30: 18-19)

To recover means to get something back again; to restore one’s self to a normal state or to be compensated for.  It also means to get back something that was lost or taken away.  After David had gotten himself together (regrouped), remembered Who He Was (redefined), made some adjustments (recalibrated), he was now well on his way to getting back everything that was taken away from him (recovery).  In the David’s recovery process, it is interesting to note the unusual way in which God led David to the enemy’s camp.  He received direction and assistance from a very unlikely source – an Egyptian slave left by the Amalekites.  Note this pattern, he did not get directional help from his healthy, strong warrior comrades but from a sick, rejected slave left to die. (1 Samuel 30: 12-15).

Oftentimes, in our recovery process, we will require assistance from unlikely sources.  God usually does not take us down the path of recovery that WE THINK we should be on, but rather God’s ways and methods are often quite different and unusual.  Remember that His Ways are not our ways and His Thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55: 8-9).  Here we see a Mighty Man of War and Future King of Israel humbling himself, feeding and helping a lowly slave in order to recover all.  Who are we to think that we will not have to do something similar in order to move forward?  In the recovery process, we will need to swallow our pride and humble ourselves to receive the help we need in order to recover. This will require being honest with ourselves and our situation.

As you reflect over your life and prepare for moving forward, I strongly encourage you to NOT make another set of resolutions, but rather to take the time Regroup yourself from being scattered all over the place, seek the Lord for renewed clarity and Redefine Who You Are, work with the Lord to make the necessary Recalibrations and then — without fail, you shall surely Recover All.

Until Next Time,

Lady Tonika Maria