Relationship Laws for Ladies Who Love God

1. I am rooted, grounded, fixed and founded in the Love of God, not a position, title, having “Mrs.” in front of my name, not money, my looks, being cute, being smart or being seen.

2. I respect myself enough to lay boundaries in all relationships personally and professionally.

3. I am complete and whole in God; therefore I do not need outside validation or vindication from a man to see how wonderful I am, what a great and lovely lady I am, or what good wife potential I am. I already know that I am all these things. I don’t have to compromise myself or be in a jacked up relationship to prove it.

4. I am a very wise, honest, faithful person of integrity. I am loving and kind. I am wise enough to now realize that not everyone is like me; therefore I exercise sound judgment, wisdom and boundaries in my daily life, especially when it comes to men. I no longer naively assume that just because a man proclaims to be a Christian, a minister, a pastor, etc. that it means he has good intentions or is true. I realize that because a man can speak “Christianese”, knows the Bible, can pray and preach does not mean he is “THE ONE”. He still got to past the basic character tests of honesty and reliability. I know people by their fruit not by what they say.

5. I attract creative, exciting, supportive, positive, godly, faithful, visionary, smart and wonderful people, both males and females in my life. I can now be friends with a man without thinking “IS HE THE ONE?” I can enjoy male friendship without the foolishness of weird feelings and questionings. I can just be my best self and let God lead, guide and order my relationships. I have a full and abundant life.

6. I attract emotionally, mentally and spiritually whole people in my life now. I have no need to have unhealthy, sick malfunctioning men in order to prove anything or to be their Savior. I am not responsible for their burdens, sins, issues, and brokenness and healing. That is between them and Jesus. I will NOT relax my boundaries to accommodate their issues, thus damming up my own healing and blessings. Because I am fixed, helped and healed by Jesus, I no longer have the need to fix, help or heal a man. I am now complete in Christ and know who I am, a Daughter of the King, living in His courts and will not go beneath my place of being seated in heavenly places to roll around in the pig pen to help someone and get my own self dirty and hurt. I no longer need to fix someone else to validate my self-worth and value as a good woman. I know I am good.

7. I live very gracefully, very poised, very well pulled together and am continuously working towards improvement and order. I will no longer tolerate chaotic individuals, with lots of mess and unresolved issues operating that will spill over into my life. Thus I maintain a higher level of peace and order in my life.

8. I attract whole men who I would compliment and who would compliment me. We are icing on each other’s cakes, not two half baked cakes, falling apart attempting to come together, making a bigger mess. I am a Whole Loaf. Therefore I will not scrape around begging, looking and expecting for crumbs from a man, or live off past stale crumbs. I no longer attract crumby men. I attract Whole Loaf Men.

9. I make note of and pay attention to ANY AND ALL, EVERY LAST SIGN OF ANYTHING THAT IS A TRUE RED FLAG in relationships. I can give people the benefit of the doubt, but I now am more sensitive and quickly take heed to warning signs and signals, because I have learned to trust myself. I have learned that if I am praying in the Spirit, staying in the Word of God, trusting Him to lead me that He is indeed truly doing that and I can truly trust that warning or check in my spirit. I only have close relationships with people whose walk equals their talk and whose words and actions match. If I see otherwise, I leave them alone.

10. I stay away from anyone who would attempt to cause me to compromise myself or values in any way, shape form or fashion. I flee from any individual or circumstance that conflicts with:
a. Godly laws, principles, values and morals, including sex before marriage
b. Common Sense and Wisdom
c. Cause immediate harm and damage
d. Cause emotional, mental, spiritual pain, anxiety, torment or turmoil
e. Compromise the call and purpose of God for my life

11. I stay in fellowship and accountable to people who I know truly love and care about me and who will tell me the truth. I walk in reality and not fantasy. I am able to distinguish and discern truth. I immerse myself in the Word of God; I stay in tune with the Holy Spirit who is also known as the Spirit of Truth. I heed wise counsel, realizing that I do not know it all. I heed wise counsel even if it hurts my feelings and makes me mad at first. This means I stay humble.

12. I refuse to allow myself to be self-deceived in the name of Jesus because I am too proud, ashamed or embarrassed to face the truth about any situation. I no longer have to isolate myself in shame or embarrassment. I have nothing to hide anymore. I can live again.

13. I have no need to get in a man’s head, obsessing, analyzing, over thinking, and immersing myself in his world, trying to figure him out. It does not take all that. If it does, something is wrong.

14. I work for myself first. This means that I allow God to work in me and through me to #1, heal and restore me FIRST, then others. My work blesses ME FIRST, then others. This means that I will utilize the gifts and talents I have for God to benefit myself and others in a Healthy and Balanced way. This means that I will not allow myself to be used by someone in the name of fixing/helping/healing/proving/validating and following a fantasy and still left with nothing to benefit me. I am discreet and cautious and wise about giving of myself, time, talents and money to anyone not in my immediate family, but especially to a man without the true commitment.

15. I end relationships immediately when I can clearly see that it is not working. I learn the lesson and LET IT GO.


Unpacking & Unpeeling: The Process of Healing Emotional Wounds Part II

wounded heart

In one of my previous posts – Unpacking & Unpeeling: The Process of Healing Emotional Wounds (part 1) we looked at the similarities between the healing process of wounds or injuries to our physical bodies and the healing process of wounds to our spirits, our souls, and our emotions.  We looked at how God heals us in our emotions and in our spirits over time in the same way that he designed our physical bodies to heal.

In this post, we are going to take another look at the wound healing process.  Specifically we are going to unpack what is known in the medical world as Chronic WoundsChronic Wounds are wounds that never heal right.  They last forever.  They require continual treatment and care way past the normal healing time.  These wounds require constant cleaning, antibiotics and other specialized wound treatments in order to keep the patient out of pain.  What is the origin and cause of chronic wounds?  Why don’t they ever heal? How come some people are more susceptible to chronic wounds than others?

From a spiritual or emotional standpoint we can look at this and draw some key implications in terms of inner healing.  A person who is generally emotionally and spiritually sound or healthy can suffer a wound, injury or trauma in their hearts.  They will bleed.  They will hurt and be in pain.  They may cry and suffer for a while.  However, because they are overall emotionally and spiritually healthy, they will begin to heal.  They will begin to bounce back in a normal pattern over time.  On the other hand, a person who is already spiritually and emotionally unhealthy to start with will not have the capacity to recover from small or minor wounds and offenses much less major trauma.   They have no internal fortitude or resources within.  Without out help, they will get “stuck” in their wound healing process.  Without help, a person in this state can live in a perpetual state of half-healed limbo.  The irony is that many people walk around like this.  They look healed on the outside but on the inside they are still very much wounded.

According to Wound Care Centers, “A chronic wound is a wound that just will not repair itself over time.  Chronic wounds are often thought to be “stuck” in one of the phases of wound healing.  Causes of a chronic wound are varied, but the most significant ones are: the age of the patient, chronic underlying conditions such as diabetes, poor nutrition, stress, lack of mobility, and overall poor health.

What are the significant underlying factors that would cause a person to not heal right emotionally?  One hugely important factor that prevents or stalls the healing process is unconfessed or unresolved sin still operating in someone’s life.  No one is perfect.  We all fall short (Romans 3:23).  But to be healthy and whole, we must repent and receive grace daily.  When we know we have done wrong in our hearts, there is no way we can adequately heal knowing full well deep down on the inside that we are not right.

Sin is a precursor and underlying cause of spiritual death.  Physical wounds involve the death of living tissue.  In medical terms, the death of living tissue is known as necrosis.  Necrosis is a Greek word meaning the stage or act of dying.  Physical healing of our wounds is the entire process of restoration of damaged or necrotic tissue to normal function.  Our bodies will do this automatically by either 1) regenerating totally new living tissue to replace the dead tissue or 2) repair the dead tissue with scar tissue. 

Jesus came to deliver us from spiritual necrosis.  He brought life and healing through his own necrotic process on the cross. Then with great power, He was resurrected.  The resurrection power at work in our lives will do two things in our wounded lives: 1) regenerate us all over again as if we had never sinned thus bringing us into righteous standing  2) repair the wounded areas of our lives with scar tissue.  To prevent a normal wound of the heart from turning into an oozing chronic wound we must receive salvation from Christ and confess our sin regularly.  In other words, don’t let stuff just pile up in your heart.  According to 1 John 1:9, if we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Another key driver in chronic emotional wounds is poor spiritual nutrition.  Simply put, if you get into a car accident and suffer closed wounds and deep skin lacerations to your body, the doctor at the hospital is not going to prescribe a diet of potato chips, candy bars and soda.  You will receive the most nutritious (perhaps not tasty) meals that they can serve you while you are under hospital care.  On top of that you will receive IV fluids, antibiotics to prevent infections and perhaps vitamins. They will clean and dress your wounds daily and check on them.

Now how come we think that we can go through job loss and changes, divorces, child abuses and traumas, unnaturally hard circumstances, grief, relationship abuse, pain and struggles but not take care of ourselves emotionally and spiritually? We chose a snack diet of five minutes of prayer.  We listen to one inspirational song on the radio.  We go to church maybe once a month.  We crack open the bible and read one dry verse.  We don’t talk to anyone about our problems.  We stuff it all on the inside and pretend.

Adequate spiritual nutrition consists of daily prayer time, daily bible reading, being with other believers who can not only uplift and support you but also speak truth (even if you don’t like it) and worship.  Failure to receive spiritual nutrition on a regular and consistent basis will keep a chronic wound on your heart.

Lack of exercise or mobility is another issue with chronic wounds.  Physically speaking, this happens to elderly people who cannot get around easily.  Poor muscle tone because of lack of movement keeps the wound fresh and unhealed.  When looking at this from a spiritual angle, we can easily see that if you do not develop spiritual muscles through exercise, when a wound or a fight comes, you have no strength.  You cannot move and you do not heal.  How are spiritual muscles exercised? Much in the same way you receive spiritual nutrition.  They go hand in hand.

If you are renewing your mind daily in the word of God, the Word will be operative and active in your mind and heart.  When the wound comes (and it will) you will have the strength to fight it off, not receive it or if it comes, you will be able to bounce back.  If you are spending time in prayer daily, when the potential wound shows up, you will be able to quickly discern what is happening and be in a position to allow God to intervene without resorting to your fleshly human methods which usually end up wounding yourself and others.  The whole point of spiritual nutrition and exercise is to not only prepare you for eternity, but to also allow you to live down here on earth in the midst of constant conflict and inevitable challenges that come to inflict injuries to your soul.

We are living in a world where most people are spiritually and emotionally malnourished, living off of crumbs and junk food, have flabby spiritual muscles, live under constant pressure, stress and strain. We continually sweep sins under the carpet when forgiveness and freedom is readily available.   We then wonder why we get easily offended, we get our feelings hurt, and we get bent out of shape over simple stuff.  We wonder why everyone is so angry and have a stinky attitude.

This is called foolishness.  Long-term foolishness with our spiritual health causes wounds to stink and become rotten (think chronic).  Calmly consider these three different translations of Psalm 38:5

 My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness. (KJV)

My sores smell and grow bigger because I do foolish things. (NLV)

My wound smells rotten.  They fester because of my stupidity. (NOG)

Weeeeell, Well, Well! Perhaps this is the reason why we have many foul-smelling Christians.  We fail to take care of ourselves yet we claim to know God. We don’t have time to continue the same cycle of foolishness and failure to allow Christ to heal our wounds.  Chronic wounds may not cause immediate death but they will definitely impair and hinder our walk in God, impede our true destiny and affects the lives of others.  Our failure as Christians to actually do what it takes to take care of and heal our wounds greatly impacts our witness and in some cases causes others to become wounded.  Remember the saying — “Hurting People Hurt Others”.

Beloved, let us stop the foolishness.  We cannot blame others for what they did to us.  They may have inflicted the wound, but because of our foolishness we are the ones who let it get chronic and smelly. Let us not grow weary in well doing.  Let us not grow weary in completing our process of healing.  Let us do everything we know how to do in order to be healed and maintain our healing in Christ.

Unpacking & Unpeeling: The Process of Healing Emotional Wounds – Part I

wounded heart

The Spirit of a Man will sustain his infirmity but a Wounded Spirit (HEART), Who Can Bear? Proverbs 18:14

We are going to unpack and unpeel what true healing really is.  To unpack means to open up and reveal the contents of or to analyze the nature of something by examining it in detail.  To unpeel something is to remove the outer covering or to strip something off.  We will unpack and unpeel what it means to really heal.  The scripture text above reveals to us that it is easier to suffer with a physical infirmity than to attempt to deal with a spiritual or emotional wound.

Emotional healing is a topic that no one really wants to talk about but yet we all have at one time or the other suffered from emotional or spiritual wounds.  We live in treacherous and crazy times.  We cannot escape the senseless violence and the painful, horrific images we see daily on TV.  There is no way any human being can escape being touched by some form of physical, emotional, spiritual or psychological pain as long as they are living on this earth.  The question is not whether or not we will be wounded, but rather how do we handle the wounds when they come?  How can we deal with the wounds that puncture our souls? Do we cover the wounds up with makeshift bandages and hope they go away some day?  What happens if we ignore them altogether?

In order to understand the healing process, it is very insightful to look at the way God designed the human body to heal itself when it has suffered a wound.  As in the natural, so it is in the realm of the invisible or spiritual.  Just because you cannot see your emotions, your soul, or your thoughts with the naked eye, does not mean that it is not just as tangible or real.  The same principles for healing of the body apply to the healing of the heart, mind and soul.

According to The, wound healing is defined as the “restoration of integrity to injured tissues by replacement of dead tissue with viable tissue…”  We can look at emotional healing as a process in which a person is restored to integrity (wholeness) by first removing the dead stuff (sins — hatred, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, blaming others, unresolved/prolonged grief, sadness, unruly passions and other deadly heart issues) with viable tissue – love, joy, peace, patience, and other Fruits of the Spirit.

Deep physical wounds that are filled with large amounts of dead cells, blood clots and other debris must be cleansed in order for healing to take place.  This can be painful because there is more inflammation, soreness and tenderness with deep wounds.  Foreign bodies add to the discomfort and can also delay the healing process.  For healing of emotional and spiritual wounds to take place, the foreign bodies of guilt, shame, thinking God is mad at you, anger towards God, self and others must be cleaned away.  All of these things will delay the process.

From a spiritual standpoint, what happens to people when they endure deep wounds without cleaning them out?  Examples of deep wounds would be those caused by 1) Prolonged Exposure to negative, crippling words and abuse as a child; 2) Sexual Immorality; 3) Satanic Attack; 4) Rejection/Abandonment by Spouse or Parent; 4) Bitterness & Unforgiveness ;5) Divorce;  6) Death of Loved One and 7) Physical and/or Sexual Abuse.   When a person has a physical wound it is very painful to clean out dead tissue, but it is extremely necessary in order to prevent infection.  If this is the case naturally, then it is true spiritually.  Our spiritual wounds are cleansed by activating our faith and applying the Word of God through consistent prayer and study.  In John 15:3, Jesus states that we are clean because of His spoken Words to us.  The power in the blood of Jesus cleanses us from sin (1 John 1:7). When we fail to clean out the dead mess, we provide an opening for the adversary, Satan to come in with his minions and bring further infection on top of the original wound.  From the physical perspective, a deep wound can quickly develop a surface level scar, but the remaining tissue still healing underneath is very fragile and bleeds easily because it is not yet mature.  Spiritually speaking, a person can function like this for years and may think they are healed but underneath the surface, they are very fragile and immature emotionally and spiritually.  It would take very little pressure to cause the wound to open all over again.  This helps to explain why people who have survived tremendous trauma lash out, become overly sensitive, hard to forgive, very irritable, very angry towards God, engage escapism (addictions), etc. when pressure, trials and tribulations come.

The big, deep wound is still sitting there unhealed on their hearts and covered with a little band-aid.  When unrelated issues put pressure on the wound, they bleed all over again and it spills out on all of those around them.  Hurting, wounded people will hurt and wound others.  They perpetuate the cycle and pass on the dysfunction.  They refuse to deal with the wound because they know it will be painful to touch with so they run and avoid the issues.  Because wounded people tend to isolate and close themselves off, they have no one to check them, help them, or protect them. They may even go back and do the same stuff that got them wounded to start with because of refusing to clean up and heal deeply.  Because of this, they can easily re-injure and re-infect the same wound over and over again.

In the natural, the wound healing process must be carefully assessed and monitored.  There are frequent checks for signs of bleeding and infection. Optimal healing takes place when the patient is in a good state nutritionally and has adequate body reserves and resources for tissue regeneration or cell repair.  Every nutrient and health habit plays a role in healing the body.  Oxygen is needed for the blood supply to the wound. Exercise is needed for adequate circulation.  Positioning of the body is important in order to avoid prolonged pressure on the wounded area. The area of the wound must be temporarily immobilized to prevent mechanical injury from direct blows and friction. The patient must receive adequate rest.

The first step in the process of emotional and spiritual repair is salvation also known as repentance or spiritual regeneration. “If any man (or woman) be in Christ, he (or she) is a new creation, old things have passed away and behold all things are made new”. 2 Cor. 5:17 (KJV).   At salvation, we transition from spiritual death to becoming spiritually alive through Jesus Christ.  In Titus 3:5 (ESV) we learn that “He saved us…by the washing of regeneration and renewal by the Holy Spirit”.  The only way for us to walk in true healing is to have a newly regenerated heart and mind through Jesus Christ.  This is an ongoing process also known as sanctification.

To heal in a healthy way, we must receive adequate spiritual nutritionIf we were spiritually malnourished or undeveloped prior to becoming wounded, then we will not have enough emotional or spiritual reserves to heal correctly and thus the process will be delayed.  Once wounded, it is much more difficult to build up spiritual capacity.  Spiritual nutrition is derived directly from the Word of God by studying, listening, praying, praise and worship.  The Spirit of the Lord is our oxygen.  He is our Breath of Life (Genesis 2: 6-7; John 20: 21-22), the Bread of Life (John 6:35) and He is LIFE Itself (John 14:6).  Speaking, praying and renewing our minds is our spiritual exercise which keeps the blood flowing.  We overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and by the Word of our Testimony (Rev 12:11).

When wounded, we deliberately position ourselves for optimal healing by being connected to the local body of Christ.  We cannot heal alone and isolated or else we will be prone to re-injure ourselves because we are unprotected.  “And if one prevails against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken”. (Eccl 4:12) We are to not “forsake our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but to encouraging one another” (Heb 10:25).  Connection with other believers is protection.  We have to learn to open up trust other mature and healthy Christians in order to be healed.  We also must receive adequate rest.  Jesus said “Come unto me all that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest” (Matt 11:28).  We have the promise of a special rest for the people of God and we are to strive to enter that rest (Heb 4:11) if we expect the wound to heal correctly.

In this life we are certain that we will be wounded.  This is not a negative confession.  It is a reality because we live in a fallen world full of fallen, wounded people.  But we have a Healer named Jesus Christ.  He was bruised for our iniquities, WOUNDED for our transgressions and with His stripes WE ARE HEALED (Isa 53: 4-5).  It is high time for us to stop walking around wounded.  It is time for us to take off the dirty little bandages that we have been piecing together to cover our bleeding wounds.  It is time for us to let Christ clean out the wound for once and for all and deal with it.  It is time for us to heal.

See also Unpacking & Unpeeling: The Process of Healing Emotional Wounds – Part 2