The Three Kinds of Couples + LoveRESET Masterclass

 

Greetings Dear Subscriber!

I was thinking the other day.

How often we log into Instagram and Facebook and see the beautiful couple pics – holding hands, at a nice restaurant, with the kids, after church, someplace outside with a gorgeous background…

You know which ones I am talking about – the perfect looking married or dating couple with the perfect pics. Some have lots of emoji’s & mushy language.  Sometimes there are others with lots of TMI and oversharing!

But follow them home.  Things may not be as rosy in the real life as it appears to be in their offline life. Honestly, the ones who share too much, are more of a red flag because it appears that they are relationally insecure.  Why? Those who overshare need the outside validity that they are okay and that their relationship is okay.

There are three types of Couples:

The Cute Couple: The #Instacouple with perfectly curated, captured and posed “relfies” (relationship selfies). The validity of their relationship ebbs and falls based on number of likes & comments on social media. They are too busy adjusting the filter and coming up with the right #hashtag instead of working on their relationship. Instead of being in the moment of these carefully curated and crafted pictures, they are too busy posing and posting to be truly PRESENT in the relationship.  When the pics are done, they may not even be really speaking to or engaging with each other at all.  They are image and Instagram conscious, not internally conscious.

The Couple of Convenience: These are the couples who are together because of shared history — NOT shared vision, purpose, goals and dreams.  They may have lost or never had a truly deep emotional and spiritual connection.  They are together for materials, religious, and financial reasons.  The other person makes their life easier and they are “good enough”.  They are settling. They stay with the other person because of a perceived lack if they were not there – not because the other person actually ADDS to their life.

The Called Couple: These are the couples who are mutually aligned in purpose and who are each other’s equal on multiple dimensions (not JUST spiritually equally yoked).  Individually, each one comes to the relationship table already full (not thirsty), living fruitful lives and are emotionally ready for a real relationship. These are the ones who see their relationship as more than just about them, but for a higher purpose.  These are the ones committed to personal growth individually as well as a couple.

Which couple are you? If you are in a CALLED relationship, many blessings and let me know!  What are you doing to maintain at that high level?  If you are not in a relationship, where have found yourself in previous relationships and what are you doing NOW to be ready for the level of maturity that being in a CALLED relationship requires?

To learn more about these couples — Watch the video I created on this very topic (click here for the link) – https://www.periscope.tv/GetRealBeHealed/1OyKAQrqVYDKb

If you are not in a relationship and desire to be ready for a CALLED kind of Love, come be a part of a series of FREE Live Closed Mentorship sessions with me at bit.ly/LoveRESET.  I’m transitioning to a higher level of conversation about love for those who are ready to join me on this journey.  If you have cut the ties, done the work and are actively taking steps to walk in purpose, come check it out.  It’s totally free. Walk with me!

Love Tonika

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Just because you are functional, does not mean you are fine.

I attended a lovely women’s fellowship this past weekend.  It was a close, intimate gathering of women from all walks of life from the younger generation to senior women.

One thing that stood out to me – the common thread — the common theme uniting every woman in attendance that Saturday morning was this:

That behind every smile and every persona was pain.

Regardless of how she appeared to be when I first saw her sitting there…

Regardless of how she appeared to be when I saw her standing, talking, smiling walking around…

Regardless of her presentation there was some level of emotional pain or a hidden burden that she was carrying.

She could be your sister, your mother, your aunt, your grandmother, your cousin, your friend.

She could be and is very well likely – you.

The reality is that regardless of someone’s social media profile and pictures, you really don’t know what they are carrying.  You don’t know the pain behind that smile.  You don’t know what it cost them to smile for that picture.

And on the flip side of that, you don’t know the power and the strength that someone carries either.

None of this can be discerned by mere outward appearances.

This weekend just reinforced for me the following:

  1. When one woman opens up, is willing to be vulnerable and share her raw truth it opens the door and creates a safe space for other women to share. When that door is opened, the other women feel safe. Sadly, many go months and years without saying anything to anybody. Especially our senior women who have carried burdens for years.
  2. When women (or men for that matter) go too long carrying unprocessed pain and not speaking truth they become functionally dysfunctional.

In other words, as long as they are functioning they think they are fine.  However, when something big happens to rock their world or when they are exposed to another woman’s pain, all of a sudden their pain comes rising to the surface.

We default to a state of quiet pain, often because we feel like we have no choice.  We must survive and keep going.  We can’t afford to fall apart.  Our children and others are depending upon us to show up. Sometimes we are unaware of what is really going on inside of us and choose to live on the surface of our lives. We keep a certain wall or mask up because the pain is so deep and we do not want to touch it or expose it.

Toure’ Roberts, in his book Wholeness describes this as being in a state of “functional dysfunction”:

“What makes our brokenness even harder to detect is that we have learned to function with dysfunction.  It’s like using a crutch for a broken foot; as long as you have the crutch, you can still get around.  That doesn’t mean your foot is any less broken, but you might convince yourself that it’s fine because, hey, you’re still getting from one place to another, right? But the more functional we are with our dysfunction, the greater our self-deception. Why? Because we equate being functional with being fine.  That may work for a while, but not forever.  One day, the painful truth that all is not well will bring everything to a screeching halt…”

Just because you are functional with your broken heart, your wounds, the painful relationship situation, the desire of your heart that still has not yet manifested, the mother/father hurts or pains, previous abuse, abandonment, betrayal, or infidelity…just because you can smile, work, laugh, serve, show up and look good at it — doesn’t mean that you are whole.

For us to heal and become whole from the various things that happen in our lives requires that we do one foundational thing first:

Speak your truth. Tell it. Raw. Honest. Ugly. The Real.

It is the truth that sets us free.

Truth and honesty with one’s self about the pain and the burden is the key to personal wholeness.  Wholeness and integrity go hand in hand.  Integrity is taken from the word “INTEGER” which means a whole number – not a fraction or decimal.  To be whole means to first be integrous from the within and it all starts with self-awareness.

Self-awareness starts with having the courage and honesty to face the pain instead of repressing or avoiding it.  It begins with saying no to the lesser things (running and rushing about, partying, sexing, churching, busy work, drugs, alcohol) and saying yes to yourself and God.  It begins with letting go over spiritualizing, denying or minimizing the pain (“I’m so over him/it/the thing, “I’m fine”, I’m healed already”).

When we choose to live in denial, it is similar to sweeping the dirt under the rug.  I heard Minister Sam Blakes say one time – “What’s swept under the rug, is still in the house.”  We can sweep and hide our pain under our so-called rugs of being busy, staying all caught up, addictions and mindless activities, but it is still sitting right there in the house of our souls.

We cannot cure what we keep covered.  And a tiny little spiritual band-aid of a few prayers here and there won’t do it either.  As in the natural, so in the spiritual. Wounds must be exposed to heal correctly.

Self-Compassion is the key.  Allowing yourself feel difficult feelings so that you can heal right is crucial.  It is not compassionate to yourself to try not to cry when you know you need to cry; to be hard; to keep your guard up; to always be in control so that you are not vulnerable.

Instead of making you open to God’s love, the love of others and healing, lack of self-compassion and acknowledging your humanity only makes you hard-hearted.  Hard hearts cannot receive love.

Feeling your feelings but not staying stuck in them or making decisions from is the most compassionate, wise and loving thing that you can do for yourself.

And when you are healthy and whole, then everything else in your life tends to flow better.

I encourage you this week to become more aware of what is going on inside of you without pushing it away or distracting yourself.  Make a commitment to self-compassion.

Let’s walk wholehearted, healthy and free. No more functional dysfunction!

Love,

 

Tonika

Stop the Lies. Speak Your Truth

It’s the truth that sets us free. John 8:32.  I say it’s the truth we KNOW and DO that sets us free.  I’m calling all Queens who engaged and activated in their various callings and assignments. I’m calling the ones who know what they are called to do but they are still not doing in the way that they dreamed of and the way God told them because they still are worried about what “they” think and are still trying to figure out “How” to do it….I’m also calling out those may be still struggling to regain sense of identity and your own voice after being in a bad relationship for years….

Stop the lies and pretending. It’s time to rise and remember who you really are. There are many, many things coming down the pipeline as we are getting close to the final days of enrollment for the Esther Queendom Academy founded by my mentor Shannon Evette.

The reason why I’m doing this mass push is just for that One Queen.  You may be her.  You could be that one Game Changing Woman in this world that is hiding out in being too busy, wounded and stuck in overthought to invest in yourself.

Every time you hold back and hide out, you are withholding the answer to someone’s prayer.

You are the answer.

Rise Up.

Upcoming Events!

Sisterhood Soiree With Shannon Evette: Matters of the Heart / Healing the Heart of a Queen

Essential Oils of the Bible Class with Essential Oils Practitioner Angie Ceroli and Transformative Teaching by Shannon

Sunday 4/22/18 at 3:00 pm  Durham, NC

For those in the Raleigh Durham area of North Carolina, I am hosting a live event – an impromptu Sisterhood Soiree with Shannon Evette teaching live via Zoom on Matters of Heart: Healing the Heat of a Queen on This coming Sunday, 4/22/18 at 3PM EST.  I have an Essential Oils Teacher who will be presenting to us on the Biblical Oils of the Bible that Queen Esther used in her healing and beautification process as well as light refreshments and then a transformative teaching on heart issues by Shannon Evette all the way from California!!! This is absolute free and the first 15 ladies to register will receive a free beauty bag with essential oils from Shannon.  Click here to sign up today Location to be provided when you register!

Periscope Talks: The Making of a Queen: Protocols of the Palace.

Join me on Periscope this Queendom Journey discussion this week starting on Monday on @periscope for a series of transformative talks on the The Making of a Queen: The Protocols of the Palace.  Follow me on periscope for notifications when I go live!!  I will dive more into the Process, the Promises, the Positioning and the Posture of a Queen.  Download Periscope to your phone and follow me @getrealbehealed to catch me live.

Love & Money: Why Queens Need Both Webinar, Thursday 4/19/18

As women, we are MAGNETIC, we have the power to attract the right relationships, the right opportunities and the right resources. So, what happens when our BRILLIANCE is dulled by fear, a mindset of LACK or unworthiness? Join the Sacred Sisterhood’s “LOVE & MONEY: WHY QUEENS NEED BOTH” Master Class featuring special guest, 7-figure money mindset coach, Ashley Ann. Click here to register.  Ashley Ann keeps things very raw and real.  For mature women only.

Esther Queendom Academy closes 4/24/18!

I am so stinking excited to be in this academy.  I was one of the first year students last year and it was AMAZING.  So much rich, full teaching on ALL aspects of womanhood,  business, purpose, beautification, drawing close to God,  operating as a Queen and ruling in your personal domain, romantic relationships and dealing with a real King – a real Man of God as a spouse.  It is so much and I have never seen anything like it yet…. And if this sounds like something you need — click here.  I’d love to have you join me on the journey.

So many things to elevate, inform, heal and transform your life.  Just for you!

I hope to hear/see you soon.

 

Love,

 

Tonika

 

Many special things coming up for this week.  Stay Tuned! #Queens #GetRealBeHealed #Sisterhood