Matters Of The Heart: It’s Not Your Place To Chase

Matters of the Heart 101 for my sisters: It is not Your place to chase. Let God Lead.

Chasing is not a good look.

When we chase someone who 1) Doesn’t want to be caught; 2) Is not really the right one for us and 3) who is not proactively in pursuit of us, we place our hearts in a very vulnerable position.

Let’s define chase: To pursue in order to catch or catch up with; an act of pursuing someone or something; to hunt

As Daughters of God, we are to never, ever place ourselves or even appear to be in a position of chasing a man. Neither are we to be in the mode or style of being desperate for love and a relationship. There is a clear distinction between being open and friendly versus altogether driving the relationship, making thing happen, doing all the planning, manipulating and controlling through subtle and not so subtle chasing.

Gary Thomas in his book, The Sacred Search states, “You are already perfectly loved [by God] and looking for someone who can help you grow in and share that love – that is security. Christians should NEVER be defined by the word desperate. We are well loved, well cared for adored by the one who knows us best and secure in his acceptance, love affirmation and purpose.”

If you are not feeling accepted in God’s love, affirmation and purpose, you will try to seek it by chasing for love in a relationship.

Anytime you find yourself sweating over text messages, blowing up his phone with a bunch of messages, pining away waiting hours for the next text, DM, inbox, phone call, snap chat (whatever new hot technology you are using), it is evidence that you are not in a state of rest and allowing, but rather in a state of anxiety and worry.

Chasing shows up in many ways from being very needy for validation, to be seen, to be noticed and to feel wanted from opposite sex. Often chasing and attention seeking creates confusion. Sometimes as women we tend to confuse attention with love. Just because someone gives you attention (as a result of your pursuit, chasing or subtle manipulations) doesn’t mean that it is love.

Chasing is also very prevalent in social media with pictures, and so forth. How many sisters are out there posting pictures for a certain, particular individual to notice them and “like” or “love” their picture? How many countless selfies are posted daily in the hopes of getting some type of validation or attention from certain people? We must be careful as this presents a certain image and a certain style. What are we projecting when we are showing up as needing attention and chasing? How does this impact your image as a woman of God?

Chasing also looks like proving and performing for love by doing things to prove that you are good wife material. It can come across as a striving style or spirit where you are doing things out of motivation to be married or to be chosen out of neediness to be good enough instead of from the heart.

For your relationships to flow, it is very critical that we learn to walk in the anointing of ease. This means allowing things to unfold naturally in the course of time. This involves enjoying your life, resting in God and allowing him to lead the process. It is an opportunity to practice utilizing wisdom and observation by the Spirit of God instead of allowing your emotions and feelings to lead the way.

When we start chasing a man for love, it is evidence that we have already mismanaged our emotions and let our feelings get ahead of ourselves.

As women, we often allow our romantic, emotional notions to take control before we really engage our minds and logical thinking. By allowing things to flow naturally, we exercise greater emotional mastery which gives us a better position to make a wise choice.

Let go of any attention seeking, chasing behaviors that could place your heart and your body in a vulnerable and compromising position. Learn to rest authentically in who you are as a woman without seeking attention and love for the wrong reasons.

Remember first of all that you are the prize. Always.

Remember that you are deeply cared for and loved. Always.

Remember that You Are The One. Always

Let Love Lead. Always!

If you start chasing, then prepare to bear the responsibility of leading and chasing the whole time. Start out like you plan to hold out. Register today for the Let Him Lead Free Webinar with Dr. Rita !

#OrdainedAndSustained #NoChasing #relationships #love #relationshipgoals #godlydating #reallove #maturelove #WorthTheWait #LetHimLead


Are You In Love, In Need or In Lust? #LetHimLead #LoveNotLust #WhenYouLetGodPickEm

God is Love. Let Him Lead Your Relationships #LetHimLead #LoveNotLust #WhenYouLetGodPickEm

(be sure to go to to watch video on this teaching)

That time of year again….

  • Hearts & Cupids
  • Roses & Chocolates
  • Restaurants are advertising romantic course dinners for two
  • Store shelves stocked with flowers, cards and candy for kiddie classroom valentines.
  • Lingerie sales go up.
  • Facebook relationship status changes.
  • The List goes on…

It creates a longing and a sense of something being missing for singles and for those who are coupled up, it can bring joy or it can bring despair depending on what’s going on. Valentines day is a mixed bag!

It is supposed to be about real love, but the question begs to be asked what is real love? Glad you asked, but for starters let’s talk about what love is not:

#1. Love is not Infatuation. The Emotional Impulse of Love UNTESTED by TIME OR CIRCUMSTANCE.

It is also known in psychological terms as a form of mania right along with Bi-polar, borderline and other mental disorders. Why? Most individuals experience the mania of infatuation as part of the first step in dating and sexual attraction. According to George Morelli, For some, however, infatuation becomes the dominant emotion controlling their lives. Mania, as with all emotional dysfunction, can result in behavioral, interpersonal, social and spiritual damage.

The mania known as infatuation is the noun derived from the verb to infatuate, which means:

  • to cause to be foolish
  • to be deprived of sound judgment
  • to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration

The word infatuate originates from the Latin word infatuatus, the past participle of infatuare, from in- and fatuus. Fatuus means foolish, idiotic or silly. Same as infant or infantile – immature, young.

Symptoms of infatuation include: Persistent thoughts about person all the time, day night, fixated. Fantasy like thoughts, anxious ruminations, emotional turbulence, up and down, fretting about relationship, glossing over negative traits, huge expenditure of emotion that could be wasted if not reciprocated, blinds to reality, on a pedestal, shadow of love.

From my personal perspective, I believe God created infatuation as a way for people to be attracted to each and to come together. However, I also believe that he does not intend for us to live like this or hop from one relationship to the next looking for the next euphoric, romantic high. I believe that all realtionships will pass thru a degree of infatuation but depending on how grounded and mature the two people involved are, will be the degree and extent of how long it lasts and whether or not they have the capacity to be objective and use wisdom.

Other key signs of infatuation:

  • Fall into it suddenly
  • Deepens little with time
  • Wants sex now
  • Up and down emotionally
  • In love with love
  • Fickle
  • Can’t eat or sleep
  • Hostile break-up at the slightest irritations
  • Emphasizes beauty
  • Gets
  • Based on my feelings
  • Self-centered
  • Shows emotion
  • Physical
  • Expects to find happiness
  • Asks “How am I doing?”
  • Focuses on the performance of the other person
  • May feel this way toward more than one person
  • Possessive
  • May be based on few contacts (only person you’ve dated)
  • Has an idealized Image of the other person
  • Avoids problems

Again, God did not intend for us to stay like this. Especially if we claim to be growing and mature believers. We are not to:

  • to state in the emotionally immature state of infatuation forever,
  • keep getting infatuated over and over again with different people all the time
  • Falling “in and out of love” all the time

Be aware of the fact that infatuation is energy sapping in the long run. Love is revitalizing and energizing and is long lasting; Love endures.

God wants us to be about His purposes within the contexts of our relationships and marriages. He doesn’t want us emotionally burned out and forever immature.

#2. Love is not Lust or Neediness

For the sake of clarity, let’s define lust.

Lust is a physical emotion and reaction to someone else’s physical appearance. It’s when you’re sexually attracted to a person. There is something in their bearing, physique that attracts you and you do not know them. It cannot be love. True love is based on a deep knowledge of the good, the bad and the ugly about someone and is unconditional. Lust is purely based on what you see and the hormonal reaction that happens in your body in response. Lust tends to be short-lived and is more about immediate gratification.

I also like this definition found on biblebelievingchristians.blogpost: “The main difference between lust and love is that love is a selfless concern for another person, where lust is totally self-focused. Lust is a wholehearted craving and belief in a lie that Satan has crafted. The lie varies with the situation and the person being tempted. Lust says, “If you do this thing, you will be satisfied deeply,” when the truth is that doing the thing will only lead to more hunger for whatever is to be consumed. Lust keeps growing in the person who feeds it. Love is patient, while lust requires immediate satisfaction. Love is kind, while lust is harsh. Love does not demand its own way, while lust does. Indeed, lust is the exact opposite of love.

I think you get the picture about lust. Let’s look at being needy. Sometimes are seek after relationships because we are in need:

  1. Of validation that we are good enough or loveable
  2. Of acceptance.
  3. To be noticed.
  4. Of attention from the opposite sex.
  5. To feel wanted
  6. To feel good about ourselves
  7. Of security because we are so insecure.
  8. To have somebody just to have somebody.
  9. To avoid feeling lonely.
  10. To show that we are good wifey material or that we could be a good husband because we were rejected in the past.
  11. Because we want sexual satisfication (Lust)


God is Love and Love is God.

And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has in us. God is love, and the one who resides in love resides in God, and God resides in him There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears punishment has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he loved us first. 1 John 4: 16 & 18.

Secondly, we know that the greatest gift of all is the gift of love.

1 Corinthians 13 – the great love chapter

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but I do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away everything I own, and if I give over my body in order to boast, but do not have love, I receive no benefit.

TRANSLATION: (you can be the smartest, wear the best clothes, the best business, the biggest ministry, the authored dozens of best selling boosk, beautiful spouse and children, and home and cars the most follwoers, likes, hearts, shares, operate in five fold ministry and all of the divine 9 of the spiritual gifts –

But if you can’t love and your heart is cold and hard and distant and you haven’t really received the love of God yourself, it means nothing.

Let’s look real quick at how genuine love looks in relationship:


  • Grows with time; Always deepening
  • Willing to wait for sex
  • Consistent
  • In love with a person
  • Faithful
  • Has proper perspective
  • Does not panic when problems arise
  • Emphasizes character
  • Gives
  • Based on other’s needs
  • Self-controlled
  • Shows devotion
  • Spiritual
  • Expects to work at happiness
  • Asks “How are you doing?”
  • Provides unconditional acceptance of the other person
  • Feels this way toward one and only one
  • Allows the other person to relate to others
  • Based on many contacts (dated many others)
  • Has a realistic view of the other person’s strengths and weaknesses
  • Works through problems

God IS love and He cannot be reduced to a mere emotion or transient feeling. Love is an intentional, sacrificial decision to love someone in spite of their faults and all in full maturity and knowledge of who they are when the butterfly feelings and the attraction dies down.

How do you know if you really love someone and are not in the mania of infatuation?

  1. The test of knowledge. The test of knowledge. Love grows out of an appraisal of all the known characteristics of the other person. How well do you expect to know the person you have all of these feelings for? A key component of infatuation is feeling that you know all you need right now about this person or that you just KNOW them FOREVER! (but it has only been 2 dates and talking all night on the phone)
  2. The test of focus. Are you focusing more on what they can do/be for you instead of what you bring to the table for them? Infatuated is very self-focused on how that person makes YOU feel.

Let’s continue to look at 1 Cor. 13:

4 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. 6 It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I have been checked on my love walk. What is the status of your love walk. I can’t get out here and say one thing and act another. God will show me myself.

God will let you meet and see yourself and sometimes it IS NOT PRETTY!!

A true litmus test if you are ready for the demands of a real relationship is how you act now when you are under pressure, stress and going thru stuff. The time to deal with your inconsistencies and issues is right now. Whatever emotional and mental struggles you have, a relationship will expose it.

It’s far better to be exposed between you and God first than get another person in the mix and create further harm and damage. IJS.

Also, pride, envy and jealousy have no place in real love. If I am struggling now in these areas, then marriage will only intensifty it.

The key to really loving is in letting down our walls, humbling ourselves, and being willing to submit to God’s love, receive it humbly and allow him to work in our hearts.

This is how we truly let Love, i.e., let God lead. He has to be leading us first before we connect in romantic love to anyone else.

8 Love never ends.. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Lust always ends. Infatuation always fades away. But Love never fails. – God is LOVE. LET HIM LEAD.

If you have no relationship with God or if you distance yourself from God or if you keep things very surface with God — you can’t know how to love on a deeper level, even to love yourself.

Therefore, instead of love (God) leading, you will lead in your feelings, in lust or in your own plans/thoughts. GOD IS LOVE. LET HIM LEAD!

Developing a relationship with God will mature your love for him, yourself and for other people. Letting God lead you now will make it easier to walk in love later in a marriage.

The more mature your love walk is, the more fear is driven out. Fear, jealously, neediness, unworthiness, have no place in mature love or a mature relationship. The more this stuff is dealt when we let God lead us now, the better position we are in when we meet the right person. Use the season of singlehood to learn that God is love and to Let Him lead you right now.

When we walk in love, we don’t have to be needy or lustful out of fear of not having our needs met. We don’t have to allow the mania of infatuation to take over sound wisdom and common sense. We don’t put the other person on a pedestal because we are infatuated. We love in truth — God is spirit and they who worship him must worship Him in spirit and in truth. He is the Spirit of Truth. And if that is the case, then we can’t stay in an infatuated state forever. Truth requires maturity and the ability to love someone for who they are and not based on how they make us feel.

God is love, Let Him Lead!

To learn more about my coaching and products to help you have healthy relationships go to **Also don’t forget to register for the FREE Let Him Lead webinar with Dr. Rita at

The Queen’s Guide on How To Handle A Break – Up: 4 Key Principles On Handling Your Break-up with Dignity and Move On With Your Life.

Repeat after me:

“I am a Queen. I am not common!”

Break-ups, even good ones are always painful.  Depending on which side you are on – i.e., you were broken up with or you initiated the break-up, it still hurts.

Regardless of how things went down, the period right after the break-up is the time where even the most calm, cool and collected woman feels emotionally crazed, unglued and undone.  It is the period where every thought imaginable runs through your head, your heart hurts, you can’t eat, barely sleep, fighting off the overwhelming urge to text, email, call, get further closure, explain and talk more, check-in, and on and on..

But as a Queen, you can’t afford to do this.  Nope.  Now more than ever is the time to really depend upon your Power Source, that is Christ Within you to help you hold it together during this vulnerable and critical season.

The first thing is to remember is Who you are in Christ.   As a child of God and daughter of the King, you have at your disposal the capacity to do several things during this time to help you regain your bearings and conduct yourself as royalty even when you feel like a hot mess on the inside.

Queenly Principle #1 – Rest in Quietness & Confidence

Scripture Focus: Isaiah 30:15 – For thus saith the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: “In returning and rest shall ye be saved, in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength; but ye would not.

Note the first key word – rest.  Rest is defined as ceasing work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself or recover strength.  In the context of a break-up, your first job is to rest in Christ so that you can recover your strength.  This means you are not working and toiling in your mind, pouring over the last 24 hours, the words spoken during the break-up, all of the events leading up to, every subtle nuance of every conversation, email and text message and so forth.  No!  All of this equals WORK.  It is not rest.  It is not easy but doable.  To rest in Christ means to take your concerns, your heartbreak, your wounds and your pain to God first.  It means prayer.  It means crying it out.  It means allowing yourself to feel the pain and moving through it with God and not all of your friends.  Once you do this, peace and ease will settle into your soul.

The difference between a Queen and a Common Girl or a Slave Girl is that the Common Girl will WORK.  In her wounded emotions and pain, she will slave, toil, and strive to figure out what to do next to get him back.  Because of the pain and because missing him is too much to bear, she throws caution to the wind and is completely led by wild runaway emotions.  The only goal is to alleviate her pain by getting him back or trying to be “friends” immediately so he won’t think “bad” of her and this causes her to appear desperate and needy.  This is VERY un-Queen like and delays the healing process.

The Queen, on the other hand, although she has all of the same feelings, is able to ride out the emotional storm without losing control.  She seeks God and settles into a place of peace and POISE.    This peace and poise comes from remembering the scripture above that states, “in QUIETNESS and CONFIDENCE shall be your strength.  Remember, as a Queen, you are to conduct yourself with poise at all times.  Quietness and confidence is NOT sending random text messages to “say hey, check in, this reminded me of you, I’m praying for you”, calling him, leaving messages, sending long emails, “accidentally” running into him out in public, etc.  These types of behaviors scream the exact opposite – loud and insecure!

Queenly poise is developed by learning how to hold your peace while you heal and leaving it in God’s hands to work out.  A Queen trusts that God has her best interests and her back at all times and she need not obsess about what he is doing, what he is thinking, what he is feeling, does he miss me, etc.  She knows that God can fix any situation and God knows how to speak to this man to get his attention at the right time and the right way.  She has learned that it is better to trust and rest in God than to get herself all worked up and dirty trying to fix a situation on her own.  A Queen knows that the battle is not hers, but Gods (scripture reference).  She has already prayed, not my will but Thine be done…

Queenly Principle #2 – Remain Seated in Christ

Scripture Focus: Ephesians 2:6 – and he raised us up with him and SEATED us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus and Colossians 3:1-2 – Therefore, if you have been raised with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, SEATED at the right hand of God.

To be seated in Christ, within the context of getting over a break-up is to be seated emotionally and mentally. It means to remember who you are in Christ.  As a Queen, you are in an ELEVATED position in Christ.  Your life is hidden in Christ and you are seated in power and position with HIM.  You can’t afford to step down from your position and behave like a common girl enslaved and entangled in her emotions.

Being seated in Christ means being SECURE.  A Queen receives her personal security and worth from who she is as a child of God.  Her security and worth is not based on her relationship status.  She is secure in Christ.  As a Queen seated in Christ, my heart and my mind must follow my position as a Queen anchored to Christ.  A Queen seeks to remain connected to Christ as we are exhorted to do in John 15:4.

Even in the midst of a break-up, a Queen’s life must continue to flow out of her secured and seated position in Christ.  This means that a Queen THINKS before she acts on any emotional impulse or urge during the early weeks after a break-up, especially any thought patterns and resulting actions that could cause her to get up from her seated position in Christ.   Actions such as texting, calling, social media stalking, driving by his home or work, “accidentally” running into him or allowing thoughts about other women, what is he doing, feeling jealous to run rampant. All of this drives deep insecurity and emotional instability. A Queen settles this security issue by knowing who she is and her worth and value in Christ and using this break up season as a time of healing and reflection.

A Common girl, enslaved by her emotions and insecurities, will not remain seated emotionally, mentally or physically.  She will run around all over the place — thinking, saying and doing things she should not be doing from a place of emotional pain.  She puts herself in the dangerous position of being further injured on top of the original break-up because of not being able to stay seated long enough to begin the healing process.  Instead of reflecting, healing and preparing for her next season, a slave girl 1) chases her ex or 2) get entangled in a rebound relationship in order to avoid her pain.

As Queens we must walk wisely and circumspectly with the realization that the devil, the enemy of our souls always wants us to focus on our CONDITION instead of our POSITION.  In other words,  if we are looking at appearances, the break-up ,what happened, our anxious feelings, how angry and hurt we are, what he could be doing now, obsessing and analyzing then it becomes VERY difficult to remain in our elevated POSITION.

However, as Queens if we remain conscious and aware of our seated POSITION in Christ, we will have the POWER to CHANGE OUR CONDITION!

Catch that Queens!  If you remember who you are and your position in Christ, you have the POWER to CHANGE YOUR CONDITION.  Either way, the break-up will be for your ultimate good because you are in God’s hands and your condition will soon change.  You will go higher and no longer be the same person you were before the break-up.  Don’t dwell on your current conditions — remember your Position!

Queenly Principle #3 – Receive Healing & Revelation

Scripture Focus: Healing Scripture – Psalm 147:3 (GNT) He heals the broken-hearted and bandages their wounds. Revelation Scripture – Ephesians 1: 17-18 (GNT) ….and ask the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, to give you the Spirit, who will make you wise and reveal God to you, so that you will know him. 18 I ask that your minds may be opened to see his light, so that you will know what is the hope to which he has called you, how rich are the wonderful blessings he promises his people.

As Queens, we have settled down into a place of rest so that we can regain our strength from the emotional blow of a break up and have peace.  WE have made the conscious choice to not dwell on our condition of now being newly single, fresh from a painful break-up but rather to remain aware of our seated and elevated position in Christ.

We are now in a position to receive healing of our hearts and revelation for our next season.

Healing is a choice.  We must chose to heal and grow thru in the midst of a relationship break-up. Time does not heal all wounds if we are not self-aware and intentional to reflect and learn the lessons.  Many women are still just as emotionally raw and unhealed from divorces and relationship break-ups that occurred 10 years ago as if they happened yesterday.  Healing requires intention and a deep desire to be made whole.

If we remain at rest and seated in Christ we will position ourselves for optimal growth and healing.  The season after a break up has the greatest potential for significant personal growth and development if we steward the season wisely and not waste our emotional and mental energy stuck in the pain.

In order to heal appropriately from a break-up, we must take a step back, reflect and ponder on what happened in the relationship and actually OWN our part of the relationship demise. Queens ask God and themselves the following questions:

  • What do I need to heal on the inside?
  • What needs to be revealed to me about this situation?
  • Were there any red flags and warnings that I overlooked about this relationship that God was trying to show me in the beginning?
  • What in me attracted this situation in my life?

After receiving answers to these questions, as Queens we must now turn our pain, anger, hurt over to God.  We must now OWN our role in it, forgive ourselves, and forgive him.  Blaming, lack of self-compassion and un-forgiveness to ourselves and to the man involved will not serve us and only attract the same relationship again until we learn the lessons from the questions above.  We must learn the lessons our souls need to know so that we grow.  As Queens, we don’t’ want to keep repeating the same patterns over and over again.  IT’s the same as flunking and repeating the same grade over and over again in school.  We don’t want to repeat the grade therefore we take all the time we need to heal and receive the revelation we need.

This means taking the time to journal, pray, read and study the Bible and other books to receive healing and understanding.  This means spending alone time with yourself and also taking time to nurture your dreams and passions.  This means learning to walk in greater degrees of personal worthiness and wholeness – i.e., learning to love yourself in a healthy way so that you are not needy and searching for love and validation from a man.

A common girl or a slave, however, would rather not go through this process because it can be uncomfortable.  It’s much easier to run from her emotions, stay busy and overwhelmed, allow loneliness and a strong need for male attention to drive her.  So instead of taking the time to receive healing and revelation, she gets on Netflix, scrolls thru her social media accounts, hangs out drinking with friends and getting entangled in meaningless encounters with men in an attempt to alleviate pain and receive male attention.  By doing this, she creates more damage to her soul and perpetuates the same patterns and will attract men that mean her no good.

As Queens who have now received healing and revelation, we embark on a new season.  Every time healing and revelation is received, a new season is always inevitable because once you heal, learn and grow, you are never again the same person you were before the break-up.  IT’s on to a new season and a new you!

Queenly Principle #3 – Reign & Rule in Life

Scripture Focus: Romans 5:17 – For if by one man’s offense death reigned by one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness shall REIGN in life by One, Jesus Christ.

Rulership means ownership.   We must own our lives — the good the bad the ugly, even things that happened beyond our control, stuff caused by other people, the devil, God whoever.  We must take FULL RESPONSIBILITY. We can’t say we are Queens and walk in kingdom dominion and authority but reject certain parts of our lives because it wasn’t our fault or beyond our control.  To have dominion means to take responsibility and OWN all of it.  Once you own something you are now in a position to CHANGE It with God.  He won’t change it until you take the steps to stop blaming, making excuses, feeling sorry.  He wants us to rise up and own our own lives!

Breaking up is not easy, but if you don’t take the time to heal right, you will rebound into another relationship.  Take your time — rest, receive, reign and rule in order to be ready for the relationship that is worthy of you.