Is He (or She) A Trick or Treasure? – FREE Relationship Education Classes! Real Men. Real Talk. Real Conversations.

FREE Relationship Education Series to Help You Navigate the Holiday Season With Grace

It’s that time of year again – mistletoe, music, lights…gatherings.  And you’ve had your eye on someone or perhaps, they have their eyes on you. Is he God’s best for your life?  They may appear to be a treasure, but could actually be a trick!  Often the holidays can be hard and we must use wisdom during this season to avoid getting entangled with the wrong person. Don’t let the Spirit of the Season, cause you to suspend your standards out of a need to be with someone!  Join us for this FREE powerful series of conversations with real men in business and ministry, married and single on all aspects of relationships.  Join us and learn how to navigate this season empowered and informed for Healthy Love and Healthy Relationships.  Sign up here to have FREE access to the call and share with your friends!

Lie # 2 – The Magic of the Season Will Cause Him or Her to Change

 

(photo credit: David Mixner)

There is something in the air. It is not tangible, but it is there nonetheless. It is that certain feeling of being in The Holiday Season. The smells, the sights and the songs. The decorations and the delight.   All of these things play together and interweave with one another to produce a certain ambiance or atmosphere in our homes, our jobs, and our churches — everywhere you go that only comes around during The Holiday Season.

Because of this certain ambiance, spirit or as some may say “magic” of the season, we tend to get caught up. Our emotions get going. All of the desires for warmth and companionship get magnified and amplified during this season because of the commercials, social media and society overall. This “Magic of the Season” phenomena creates the perfect atmosphere for another lie that many will believe in order to justify staying in or get involved in another dead-end relationship.

Lie # 2 – The Lie that the Magic of the Season and the Spirit of The Holidays Will Cause The Person To Change and/or The Relationship to Get Better, Or that He/She “Will Do” Just For the Holidays.

Contrary to popular belief (I hate to burst bubbles here) but there is no magic or spirit of the holidays that can cause a person to change. Special holiday magic does not instantly transform a person who you would not normally consider as a potential partner to all of a sudden now become a suitable companion to “kick it” with. A person is who they are no matter how fine, sexy, godly, funny, wealthy, suitable and easygoing they are on the surface. They are not going to change for you just because of Christmas trees, decorations, music, loving feelings and the spirit of joy that permeates the air because it’s the holidays.

Physical growth, i.e., growing up and maturing physically happens to all human beings beginning from birth as long as they get food, clothing, shelter and adequate care. Emotional, mental, spiritual and psychological growth and change is a CHOICE. A person must choose to change on their own independent of any outside forces (although they will have influence). A person must choose to grow and become emotionally, mentally and spiritually healthy in order to have a healthy and wholesome relationship with them.

No amount of holiday spirit or magic will cause a person who is unfaithful, abusive, dishonest or manipulative to spontaneously combust into the opposite just because “It’s the Holidays.”

In order to dispel this myth, there are a few key truths to embrace so that you do not fall sway under the magic of the holidays and find yourself under the mistletoe with someone you know full well is NOT “The One” for you or even worse, delay ending a relationship that you know should end right NOW simply because it’s the holidays.

1. Just because you made a profound emotional and time investment doesn’t mean you continue to stay involved just because of the holidays.

Often, we know deep down on the inside that the relationship is very unhealthy for us. You know that you need to end it, but you keep hanging on anyhow because you have put so much in to him or her. You do not like the thought that someone else will get the benefit of all that you have poured into this person the minute you break it off.   On top of that, the very thought of being alone during the holidays is simply too much to handle. It is much easier to go along and pretend that things are well and will change soon if we can just “get thru the holidays” without something going wrong. It takes an incredible amount of courage to end an unhealthy relationship, but to delay the process just because of an investment and because of the season only serves to intensify the pain.

Why keep making an investment into a relationship that is depleting you instead of increasing you? Why not take that same emotional energy and direct it towards investing into your own personal growth and wholeness during the holiday season instead of spending that same energy trying to maintain a façade simply because of the holiday season?

1. Let go of the Fantasy

A person has to use his or her own free will to change. God created all of us this way. If God does not override our free will choice to receive salvation, what makes us think that we can override our significant other’s free will choice to get change for the better? We want to live out that image in our heads of what this relationship could potentially become during the holidays. Or we want a temporary fix – someone to be with during the holidays because we think our value and worth is tied up in whether or not we have a boo at Christmas time. We want to live out our vision holiday romance as shown on TV and Facebook.

The problem with this is again it goes back to self-deception. You absolutely cannot afford to live in potential for an indefinite period of time without reality soon catching up. The tension between what could be (potential) and what really is (reality) is what creates the turmoil, the confusion and the angst. It is what causes the pain and suffering.   It is the ultimate pre-cursor to being in a dead-end relationship situation. The pain of this is further exacerbated by the fantasies and imaginations that we have because we really want our reality to line up with the fantasy that we have built up in our heads – especially during the holiday season.

Embracing these simple truths – 1) holiday magic does not change people, their personal choices do, 2) being willing to invest in yourself instead of a failing relationship and 3) letting go of the fantasy will help you avoid dead-end relationships as you navigate the magic of the holiday season!

For more information on breaking free from dead-end relationships and walking in completeness, order your copy of Get Out of that Dead-End Relationship NOW! A Christian Woman’s Guide on How to Get Real, Healed & Move On TODAY! Available at http://www.amazon.com in paperback or Kindle or for an autographed copy go to www.tonikabreeden.com.

 

3 Lies We Tell Ourselves to Stay in A Dead-End Relationship Just to “Make It Thru The Holidays”

Part 1 of 3 Part Series

“Christmas Just Ain’t Christmas Without The One You Love…” – O’Jays

“What Do The Lonely Do At Christmas…” – The Emotions

Ahhh!! Here we go again! The familiar, wonderful, emotional, nostalgic songs of Christmas started playing on the airways on Thanksgiving Day while the turkey is still sitting on the table. The sights, shopping, and the smells. The church get-togethers and programs. All kinds of shows, parties and dinners. All of these things will be quickly coming upon us for the next few weeks through New Year’s Day.

For those of us who are single or who have just ended a relationship, the holidays can become a source of pain, temptation and struggle. We must make it through Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day and finally Valentine’s Day without losing our sanity, slipping up or getting ourselves in a “complicated” situation out of being lonely during the holidays.

This blog is the first in a three-part series over the next few weeks where I will address a few of the lies that will cause us to either 1) get in or 2) stay in a dead-end relationship simply because it’s the holiday season.

Lie # 1 – The Lie That Christmas Just Ain’t Christmas Without The One You Love.

This song by the O’Jays has probably caused more shed tears that we can ever begin to count. For those of us who are Christians, we KNOW that this just ain’t so!

I need not reiterate the Christmas story here, but for the sake of making the point, we know the real meaning of Christmas. We know about the birth of Jesus Christ and what it means to us personally as redeemed children of God. For us, this means new life. It means forgiveness of sins. Because of Christ, Christmas is very much indeed still Christmas regardless of whether or not you are “boo’ed up”, in a relationship or married to The One You Love. Jesus was still born for you regardless of your relationship status and the holiday is still sacred and to be deeply enjoyed and celebrated even if you are single.

But what do you do when that song comes on the radio, and people are laughing, talking, and eating with their significant others yet here you sit alone or with your family and platonic friends? How do you handle those emotions? What do you do?

1. Build Up Your Self-Worth / Value / Confidence & Esteem NOW!

You must begin right now —- not later to build yourself up in the Lord. You must begin right now to build your sense of value and worth in who you are as a beloved son or daughter of God before you start hearing those songs, before folks start asking questions about why you are alone or where is so-and-so, before you get in those situations where the “Ex” starts texting and he/she all of a sudden starts to look good (never mind the fact that they still have all of the same issues that caused the break-up to start with).

You must read, study, pray and meditate on the fact that your worth and value is not tied up in whether or not you have someone to be under the mistletoe with but in the fact that you are a fearfully and wonderfully made child of God! And it’s okay if you still shed a tear or feel sadness or loneliness when you hear the song, just be careful not to suspend your standards, throw caution to the wind and do something you KNOW you shouldn’t do because of fleeting, emotional, lonely feelings and memories.

2. Take Care of Yourself and Make Special Plans to Enjoy Your Life NOW!

Do things that will increase your confidence, make you feel good about yourself and enjoy life right now. Give, serve and share with others. Get the focus off of being lonely and what you don’t have. Reach and connect with people on purpose. Do not isolate yourself — that’s a recipe for disaster and depression. Take a proactive stance about having fun and finding things to be grateful for during this season. The enemy of our souls will forever remind you of what is missing in your life and if you don’t stay occupied with maintain an attitude of gratitude, you will lose your joy.

3. Guard your eyes and your ears

This is not the time to overindulge in hot and heavy romance movies on TV and read steamy novels. Another recipe for disaster! We are responsible to guard what we put before our eyes and ears since they are the gateways to our minds and hearts. Garbage in, garbage out. What you think about, you bring about! If you truly and sincerely desire to be prepared and ready for marriage to the God’s best for you, then don’t put yourself in a compromising mental and emotional state by feeding your spirit improperly during holidays.

By taking a proactive stance during the holiday season to build yourself up, take care of yourself, and guard yourself, you can avoid the common pitfalls that will inevitably come your way. Refuse to buy into the lie that “Christmas Just Ain’t Christmas Without The One You Love”. Christmas is still Christmas whether you are single or not. Simply taking healthy, empowering steps now can save you from getting into some complicated, messy situation dead-end relationship just because you are trying to “make it thru the holidays!”

**Follow me next week as I discuss Lie #2….

For more information on breaking free from dead-end relationships and walking in completeness, order your copy of Get Out of that Dead-End Relationship NOW! A Christian Woman’s Guide on How to Get Real, Healed & Move On TODAY! Available at http://www.amazon.com in paperback or Kindle or for an autographed copy go to www.tonikabreeden.com.